countdown

Let the countdown begin!

Countdown to:
-Jenny's wedding (36 hours)
-Report Cards (1 week)
-last tutoring with Philip (7 more classes)
-end of tutoring with Mary (4 more classes)
-last day of school (8 and a half days)
-mom and dad arrive (13 days!)
-depart from China (26 days)

Am I excited about these coming? All but one, which encompasses a ton of emotion, memories, words that need to said to people--all of which typically I do terribly! The anticipation of any event is usually worse than the actual event itself. I'm betting that when I leave, I'll probably be a bit numb. I'm trying to do my best to live in every single moment--even the ones I don't particularly enjoy. I've had smiles on my face while standing next to someone on a bus that smells, while being nearly pressed up against the window. I'm making time for anything that inconveniently pops into my schedule (actually, China has made me much more at ease-thank goodness). I want to be with people. I want to pack. I want to be done. I hate thinking about it all. I can't seem to leave work when I'm there, or I leave without getting things done. Same thing at home. I can't focus. A lot to do in a little time, and I think there should be an order to things. Christa, where are you with your list? Not worried about any of it though. Surprisingly, like I said, I just want to be in every moment. I want to be productive and spend my time meaningfully.

With all that though, there's this other side of me that wants time to slow down. I don't want this countdown to be over so soon. I don't know what's after. I know that this summer will be full of activity, but then?! I keep having to tell myself that moving home is the next thing, but I don't know exactly what I'm going to get myself into. Prayers would be appreciated!

Go Green

O God who loves the human soul

too much to let it go, 

so thoroughly impose Yourself

into the heaps and depths of life

that nothing remains undisturbed. 

Plow this life, Lord, 

until everything You overturn

becomes a fertile soil, 

then plant me, O God, 

in the vast plain of Your love. 

Grow me, strengthen me, 

and do not lift your pressing hand 

until it can boastfully unveil

a display of Your splendor. 

-B.Moore

airports

I just want to be inside one. I don't really want to go anywhere. I want to go somewhere, but I just want to be back here. I think this may be part of departing here soon? Not sure. Perhaps this is one thing I'll miss? Airports.


...weird

Lesson One

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kemmlVEYciM

The sweetly elegiac "Boys (Lesson One)," is a techno-acoustic lullaby of lessons passed from father to son over an insistent electronic drum pattern that suggests these lessons can't be taught quickly enough -- time marches on and childhood ends too soon.

"Adults aren't calling children up into adulthood in a way where they can ask hard questions about what real life looks like," Steve Mason says. "Questions about the things that come along and break hearts and move them into adulthood. Boys' captures the desire of a father to talk to his son in a way that doesn't lie about how hard living is. And it does it with love and a radical trust in the belief that God isn't afraid of our questions."

LOVE Pandora! This came on today and it's been on repeat. Kinda vague lyrics-up for interpretation. I have a few of my own. And....I don't think it is just for boys. Perhaps my emotions are on overload right now, but it brought tears to my eyes imagining my dad saying this to me (and he has more or less said all of these things to me). Dads have such an important, necessary, sweet role in their children's lives! Love you, Daddy!

you think too much

I can't tell you how many times I've heard these words. Maybe not enough? I haven't stopped thinking, nor do I think it possible (I shouldn't underestimate the possibility of that happening one day, I suppose).

Today I had a thought. I suppose it comes with the territory of leaving a place I've called home for the past 3 years. It's saying goodbye to people that have been a part of my life, and places that I've been with people I love. My memories are always with me. I relive them often. It's both a blessing and a curse. I get a little panicky when I have to say goodbye though. I hear these lies that say, "How will you survive without this relationship? How will life continue without that person to talk to?" Though it's true there is never a duplicate for that person in our life, the extremity of "What will I do without this person?" doesn't really need to be there.

So...TODAY, I'm choosing to believe the TRUTH. The truth that is setting me free. (Stop with the cliche's, Jess)  Abraham had to let go of Isaac, his firstborn son that was promised to him. The one that he waited for. The one that God so divinely created in Sarah's womb. He had to trust God with his son.

Some people are hard to say bye to. Parents and family are difficult to walk away from and leave. Friends from various walks of life have been hard to part with. But what about the people you never intended or wanted to say goodbye to, but through circumstances had to? Those are the ones that hurt the most. You know that with friends and family you can always reconnect or contact. But the ones that you're restricted to contact? The ones that you can't ever tell you're thinking about them or praying for them?

I was reminded today that God knows my heart intimately and that he has given me every good gift. He has given the ones I love to share life with. But ultimately, those people don't belong to me. (Am I possessive?) The relationships I have with people are special. They aren't there to tear me apart or control me through fear of the future. Just like Abraham did with his only son, Isaac, God wants me to give Him back those that I love.

你的名字 Your Name

Strong
Shelter
Powerful


Names are our identity. They have a long history of being extremely meaningful. Most parents pick out names during the pregnancy. My parents were no different. Only, my parents weren't sure whether I'd be a boy or girl. If a boy, Michael and if a girl, Katherine. Common names, but I like both a lot. Why'd my parents switch to Jessica Elizabeth? Well, no lie, mom was watching something on T.V. and saw Sarah Jessica Parker's name flash across the screen. She said to dad, "Jessica is a pretty name"...


In China, names are significant. Or, at least they have a history of being significant (though now, most are picked just for the sound instead of the meaning). They have meanings much like Native American names did. For example, Little Tiger小虎 or Beautiful Spring 春美. Whether we're part of one of these cultures or not, we still all have an understanding that names are special and are part of our identity. Being part of a new culture and language has allowed me to pick a new name for myself. It took many conversations with various people and a lot of my own research online for the right name. I wanted something that kind of sounded like Jessica, but that had a meaning that kind of described me. It's hard to pick your own name in another language. The name I first wanted was Faith in Chinese, or 信. However, Xin 信 doesn't sound like Jessica, nor does it always mean Faith. It also means letter. Like a letter you write to a friend. Um...not okay. So...the hunting started over again. After a year of introducing myself as Su Xin 苏信, and getting weird looks from Chinese people, as well as being told it is more likely to be a boy's name, I decided it was definitely wise for me to change my name. The outcome, a special friend finally named me a beautiful name, that never ceases to receive compliments...and it sounds like Jessica! 舒嘉怡 (Shu Jia Yi) is the name I now have. Shu sounds like Shoe and it is the family name or surname, so it totally fits. It also means comfortable when combined with another character. Jia means pure. Yi means happy or joy. Pure Joy? Sure, I'll take that! Yi- the last character is also the name of my friend Jenny here (my best friend in Kunming).


I was told recently that my name is beautiful- Jessica Elizabeth. I have always liked my name, but I can't say I've received that compliment about my name in the past. :) Often when we hear a name, it makes us feel a certain way. Being a teacher, if I hear certain names, I smile, I shake my head and laugh, or think to myself "I'll never name my kid that!"...Names from our childhood do the same thing. We have memories with other children. David was a name as a kid that I hated. There was a boy in my class that smelled bad and was mean. Since then, the name has redeemed itself (thanks to some classy David's...ha), but I still don't think I'll name my son David. All that to say, it makes me wonder what people think of when they hear "Jessica".


When you hear His name, what do you think? Many people start arguing. Some have a sense of peace rush over them- like watching a sunrise and sipping coffee while sitting on the beach. Some get defensive. His name makes others think "Strong" "My Shelter" "Protector" "Provider" "Powerful". What does Jesus' name make you think? What lasting impression are you leaving on those that are in your life (those that may only be in your life for a short time)? When they think of your name, is His name attached? Doing some soul-searching myself. We now also bear His name. What taste are we leaving in other's mind when they hear His name or our name?


I'd like to hear your thoughts. What does His name make you think?

floating in the clouds

lately, i've been told i am a dreamer.

my rationale for this? if i stop dreaming, i'll die! i know there are realities and life isn't a fantasy, but seriously...let a girl dream! i don't want to "grow up"... that doesn't mean i don't want to get older, it means i don't want to lose the child-like faith. the faith that says, "i can do that, and nobody or nothing will stop me." i have to keep trusting in the hope that he's set before me.

it's weird actually, i feel like in the last month my brain has been slow, but at the same time, i've been thinking "weird" things. well, maybe not weird. just kinda sorta weird. like....i've never ever ever wanted to go back to school for a ph.d. but suddenly the other morning, i'm having this conversation and it's going like this, "well, if you want me to get it so that it enables me to do something great for you, i will. but what?" ....so i keep hoping. what's next?

another "weird" thing was waking up over spring break with a sudden idea for a children's book. still working out the plot in my head and haven't got it figured out. it's something i've wanted to do, but just figured one day, i'd wake up and have a brilliant idea. it kinda did seem like that (let's see. ha!).

perhaps all this "dreaming" is because i'll be heading home all too soon. i'll be leaving the people and places i've come to call home, to return home. though i'm excited to return home, i'm also scared of losing sight of this "dreamland" i've been living in for the past month or so. it seems like the possibilities are endless. what's next? who will i meet? where will i live? where will i go after this? will i go back to school? will i be back in china? is there a career change coming up?

although dreaming is fun, and it's keeping me going right now (avoiding the depressed feelings i would succumb to without feeling the hope of the future), i'm also scared of being labeled a "dreamer"... at some point, reality does have to meet the dreams. i just keep praying for a clear vision that will touch down on the runway -called life!

Chinese New Year-春节快乐！

My senses have been overloaded the past week! Fireworks, vinegar, fish, mushy steamed veggies, freezing cold temperatures, airplanes and trains, and most importantly: I don't know what they're saying to me!!

This past week, I was privileged to go join Yunxia's home (some of you know her as Midea....she stayed with my family for Christmas in 2008). I was invited my first year in China, but because I went to Shanghai and spent Christmas with her in 2009, I didn't want to go see her again a month and a half later. I was going to go last year, but her grandmother passed away in December, and it would have been inappropriate and awkward for her and her family for me to have been there. Thankfully, I was able to oblige her request and flew to Wuhan. From there, I took a 4 hour train ride to her hometown. It was snowing upon arrival, and pretty much the coldest I've ever been. (Florida girl doesn't do so well with freezing temps...I like my flip flops and shorts!) To top it off, they don't have centralized heating or A.C. They prefer to use something called a "kong tiao"--kinda like a wall unit. Only, they don't exactly use them often...because that's expensive and wasting energy. So, my fingers never got past being numb!

I arrived on a Saturday night and we ate hot pot, which is just like it sounds. It's a pot in the center of the table that is cooking, and you throw in meat first (usually) and then the veggies. Everyone just grabs what they want out of it, and eats it from their bowl. For some of you, this would take some getting used to. It's like double-dipping...non-stop. However, that's pretty much every meal here. I have come to appreciate chopsticks, or "kuai zi" for what they are...they actually make more sense to me now than forks do. They balance really nicely on your bowl when you're not using them, and you can't stab yourself with them. You very gracefully pick up food (or scoop) and place it in your mouth. I decided that I like them a lot.

.....

The next morning, Midea and I awoke to her mom giving us gifts in bed (Christmas all over again?). Inside a bracelet box was a beautifully woven red string with three gold beads...real gold. This thing fits my wrist perfectly. They had it custom made (not sure how they made it to fit me so well, but they did. Now, I'm unable to get it off...but that's ok, I like it!). I was a bit shocked that they also bought me a gift. I immediately felt like part of the family.

Pretty much for the next 3 days, all we did was eat, sit around, talk, play games, or watch t.v. It was too cold to go out walking around or shopping. On Wednesday, after the affairs of eating at so-and-so's house or "my dad's father's younger brother...who is actually younger than my father but we go to his house last because he's got the biggest honor"...stuff I don't quite understand, we went shopping for a few hours at a mall.

I was kinda craving some coffee. I'd had a bit of a withdraw and there was either KFC or McDonald's that would have some. I know, not that great, but...I went for Mickey D's. I thought for once, this would be my opportunity to treat them and a small gesture of "thanks for the week here", but NOOOO....I got my coffee, and they all ordered what they felt they could drink (they don't like coffee, tea or soda), so they ended up with this drink (that I'm pretty sure is just for China's Mickey D's) that was some sort of strawberry milk-ish stuff. Looked kinda gross...and when I tasted it, I made a face. Too sweet! How were they drinking it, I don't know! They also ordered some pies (not apple pies)...pineapple and taro. They were both gross. They got two of both. Total, it was over 50 kuai, and they wouldn't let me pay. I enjoyed my coffee, they paid...and they forced themselves to finish everything. I felt super selfish and silly. We all left saying, "不好吃," which means not good eat- literally.

I enjoyed the time I spent living in the house with Midea. Just to give you a taste of how most Chinese live, and how they treat a foreigner in their house, I'll try to share a bit more. I went with the flow and did what they did, when they did it. I packed accordingly. Knowing that Chinese will wear the same outer clothing for days, until showering the next time, I packed only 3 outfits for 6 days. I also brought my own towel, because they only use what we would call a hand towel to dry off with after a shower. (In case you're wondering, mom, I only took 2 showers...talk about greasy hair!) Every morning, I would wake up and pour hot water into a basin that was in the sink and wash my face and brush my teeth. You can't imagine how cold my fingers were when I didn't use hot water (which I did, because it was too much trouble and got my clothes much more wet if I used the basin instead of the faucet with ice cold water). Then her dad would call us to eat--about ...on average 5 times before she'd show up. I probably came at about the 3rd time, not wanting to be too eager to eat (thus making them think I was super hungry and placing food in my bowl for me to eat more), and not wanting to be disobedient. The meal that followed, was usually followed by me tuning out, due to the fact that their mandarin wasn't standard and I didn't understand most of it. Occasionally, I could tell they were talking about me or to me, and I'd kind of look at Midea to translate or say it more clearly in standard mandarin. Then, I'd respond the best I could. This is how most of our conversations went. Oh, I forgot to mention the eyes that would open wide and the decibels that got ...eh...much louder upon trying to communicate with me. Typical, I suppose. My response, always being a quiet one (also typical). Upon finishing the meal, I was not allowed to touch a thing. Not even stack dishes or wipe the table. If I did, her mom would yell at me, point to her hands and say, "You'll get your hands dirty. Look at my hands. You don't get your hands dirty." If I followed her into the kitchen, to bring back hot pads, dirty dishes or napkins to throw away, I was watched and then shooed out. Let's just say, I've learned a lot from China about being hospitable. The most important thing is that you're comfortable and that your tummy is full. So all day, I heard "吃吃吃" (eat, eat, eat). Also, as for the "kong tiao"--or wall unit for heat, we would turn it on before we went to bed, and then once under the covers, we'd turn it off. During breakfast, all windows were opened (remember, there's snow on the ground outside!)...and I was thinking to myself, "why are we torturing ourselves and wearing every article of clothing we possibly could?"

One tradition of Chinese New Year, is eating fish. We ate lots of fish--it is the "good luck" food. Kim made a good point a week ago about it. She said, "Why do they eat fish for good luck? It is the most unlucky food ever! So many bones to spit back out!" So true. I relayed this to Midea, and she didn't have much to say to it. Didn't even laugh. eh. oh well. I tried!

Another tradition is that the adults give the children a red envelope, called a "hong bao." Inside the envelope they put money. It's called "ya sui qian"- which means push the age away money. I guess the more you get, the younger you'll be, or the younger you'll stay? I knew about this tradition, but after receiving the pretty, expensive bracelet earlier in the week, and based on the fact that Midea and I aren't children, I didn't think about not getting one. The night before I left, her mother placed one in my lap, and I didn't know what to do. Should I accept it? I don't want their money. I'm not their daughter! Sweet gesture, but they've already let me stay with them and fed me and entertained me...why money too? It's not a part of our culture. Usually if you stay with someone, you give them gifts, right? Why were they showering me with gifts? This, I have learned, is also a huge part of Chinese culture. No matter how uncomfortable I am receiving gifts like that or how I may try to skirt around those types of occurrences, it never ceases to catch me off guard, and feeling quite awkward.

Upon returning to Kunming last night, I felt a sudden feeling of "I'm home!" I felt this while at FSU as well. I loved returning home from travels, and I still do. I marveled however that this could actually feel like home to me now. After making many trips in and out of the tiny Kunming airport, I realized that I felt comfortable here. I knew where to walk outside of the airport so I didn't have to wait for a taxi. I knew where I was and there was even an English song playing on the radio. I had a conversation with the taxi driver all the way home, and helped him figure out how to go out to the main road, once he left through the back gate of my neighborhood. I saw the stars in the sky as I rolled my suitcase along the pebbled walk and breathed in the fresh, cool air. The mixture of bamboo trees and palms and beautiful gardens surrounded me, and I thought to myself, "It feels so good to be home"....

All day today, as I did laundry and read a book from my kindle, with windows open and warm perfectly blue skies, I wondered how this could feel like home, but how Delray also feels like home. The novel I am reading, makes me yearn for a life of "normalcy" but my life here is anything but that. This is the life I wanted after graduating from FSU. I wanted adventure. I wanted the unknown. I didn't want to feel safe or secure. I wanted life on the edge, and wanted to experience newness. Well, I've done that. And while I was out with Jenny and Shen Kai tonight having seafood hot pot, I realized that my mixture of emotions and feelings about leaving, and about this being home was confusing me. I think God is preparing me to come home. I'm in love with Kunming. It's been 2 and a half years here, and it is home. But, I'm excited about the next new adventure. The one that I'm not sure what is next. What job will I have? Where will I live? What car will I get? Will I move? Will I stay in Delray? How long will I be in the States? Is it forever? Is it only a period? I've decided not to worry. I'm not going to plan my future. I can't. I'm just going to keep going...thinking about the day in front of me, and perhaps the year. But, I can't plan anything forever. Forever scares me. I don't want to feel tied down or trapped yet. I might make decisions based upon that in the near future, but I'm just me and I suppose I'll deal with the "consequences" of those decisions. (Although, I have to say, I think that living like that is better than planning my life out til I'm in the grave...makes it more exciting...and it makes it feel like I can change the ending of the story or give it another twist at any moment).

So, phew. After my long-windedness, I'll conclude with this: this year is the year of the Dragon. Last year, was Rabbit year, my year. This year is the year of the Dragon and I'm feeling super confident that just like the dragon is perceived here in China (a good thing that chases away the lion--maybe fear in a figurative sense), this year will be a year change, full of risks and challenges, passion and enthusiasm and ambition.

爱

爱

Sacrificial Patient

Hoping Praying Trusting

Covers over a Multitude of Wrongs

Love

好朋友

Hao Peng You=Best Friend

Who knew two years would make you someone's best friend? It has happened over and over again in my life though!

The most recent "best friend" is Jenny (Zhang Yi). She and I get together any chance we can. She is the sweetest girl I've met in China...my first local friend when I got here two years ago.

Jenny was born and raised in Kunming. She has lighter skin that most and beautiful eyes that are slanted to perfection! Her complexion is gorgeous and her dark features magnify her beauty. Jenny is beautiful inside and out. Her heart seeks justice and truth. She loves what is right and good and will only stand for those things. I have never once wondered or questioned her integrity.

Jenny plans on marrying Shen Kai (Dave) next March (even though her parents would rather have them wait until the summer). They have (unusually for Chinese people) bought an apartment that is being built, joining their money together to make things work; money they don't have! Most Chinese women would wait for the man to pay for the entire apartment before she'd even consider marrying him. Tradition! Tradition! (makes me think of Fiddler on the Roof, no lie)! Shen Kai is in the army and will have to live 10 hours away, a 200-300 yuan bus ride or train ride away. She will stay here, work (teach) and possibly raise kids (if they have any--we had that conversation tonight), while he works in the army until he gets discharged. ...That's in 2018! By then, she'll be 35 and they'll finally be finishing up their 2nd year of actually living in the same place during their marriage. ....Tough life!

We had a great dinner tonight--stinky tofu, beef with mint, cucumber and egg soup, and another purple veggie that is wild (not sure about the Chinese name, and I doubt it has an English one), and then she came over and showed me her wedding pictures that she and Shen Kai just had professionally taken. Our time together is precious and I really do consider her a best friend here. Sometimes, I'd rather hang out with her and get to know her heart and her thoughts, as opposed to being around "foreigners."

Tonight as she returned to her dorm, she texted me that she arrived safely and to have a good night. I said, "晚安! 好好梦." (wan an- good night! hao hao meng- sweet dreams)...to which she replied (in a very nostalgic tone) "I missed the day we study chinese together so much" (this was before shen kai was around--he was 10 hours away then, and she and I spent much more time together than we do now. Currently, I think I've been with JUST her ....one time! Tonight! The two of them are totally in love and always together. It's quite cute and comfortable, actually.... Not two minutes later she texted again, "You will leave next year but we are so busy this year. We need together more." :'( To these I wrote back, "Aww! Jenny, you are going to make me cry! I miss those days too. :-) I am so glad we are 好朋友! Let's try to hang out as often as we can. :-)" "Sure we can! Shen kai will leave after you! I will lost my 好朋友 and my husband at the same time so sad :-(" I took the opportunity given to me and told her I'd lift her up and ask that He would provide someone for her.

....This is just to remind you loner people out there that, ....you're not alone! AND take advantage of every moment with those around you, especially 好朋友们. You never know how long you'll have. :-)

Fu Nv

Technically, Fu Nv should be: Fu Nu with two dots on top of the u, but Chinese people would type it with a v to distinguish it, so I'll do the same.

It's Wednesday morning, and I'm forcing myself to get out of bed on my day off to go downtown to meet my Chinese teacher at Starbucks. I'm supposed to meet her at 10 and it's already 9:45. I'm still in my neighborhood, or xiao qu, and it takes a good 45 minutes to get downtown on the bus, which was my choice mode of transportation for the day.

I call her, "Ni hao! Wo zai gong gong qi che, ke shi, wo ying gai shi yi dian wan. Deng wo dao le de shi hou, wo gei ni da dian hua, hao bu hao?...Bu hao yi si!" (translation: Hi. I'm on the bus but I'll probably be a little late. When I arrive, I'll call you. Okay? Sorry...)

During the bus ride, I read a book, look out the window here and there or watch other passengers (I'm a bit ADD when I'm out in public...) and I arrange for an afternoon 'outing' amongst friends. (The 'outing' half-way fell apart while I was at class...long story)...

I arrive and I call her. I order a tall mocha latte "zai zhe li" (here). She comes in and we begin class. Meanwhile, the plans for the afternoon are falling apart and I'm a tad annoyed with text messages every 5 minutes!

In walks a foreigner that I've never seen before (there must be 1000 foreigners in Kunming...I'm always amazed when I don't know one though, considering I have connections to the vast majority of the families here through the school)...he's kinda cute too. Hmm...totally had ADD during class too.

Ready for the FU NV moment. Here it is. I tell her I'm going home for Christmas and I'm really excited. I'm buying the tickets hopefully tomorrow. It's really expensive "tai gui le!" ....and then BAM! Out of nowhere, she invites herself home with me for Christmas. AWKWARD! (and...actually, really odd in Chinese culture to do that...) So what do I say? NO? Um....??? This is what came out: "I think the visa will be hard" "What about your daughter? What will she do?" With both of my statements came responses that were still plowing through with determination to accompany me home for Christmas; my first Christmas home in two years!

I didn't give it much thought after that. I thought it was just part of the conversation, and she'd not mention it again except for, "Oh, I'd love to go to America! Wouldn't that be fun?!" BUT, I was wrong.

Skip forward to Saturday. Saturday morning I get on Skype. I have a message from Chen laoshi (Teacher Chen) and she's asking if it's really okay for her to come home with me. Do I agree? Can she stay at my house? She talked to the officials and the visa will be hard to get, but she'd do it if I said okay.

Oh dear. Panic. A tad bit of shock.

Typical Chinese woman? I don't really know. All I know is....weird. weird. weird.

In case you're wondering, she won't be on the plane from Beijing to San Francisco or the one from San Fran to Miami! She'll be in Kunming. With her daughter. Teaching other foreigners.

Too Many Thoughts

"You think too much"

:-/

I hear this a lot. From all kinds of people. It could be a positive thing, right?

What is being normal? That's my question today. I just don't think I've hit that mark. Not sure I ever want to...but I've got a feeling, that I don't quite fit the "norm"...

Oh, to have a chat with someone who has similar thoughts; to think together while drinking coffee... What joy that would bring me! ;-)

Your Love is Strong

My thoughts today (the nice, paraphrased version): Why do I worry? Why do I freak out? He created the stars in the heavens and knows how many grains of sand there are. Why do I think He can't direct my path and why don't I trust Him?

Father, help my unbelief!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=301S7NgAkLs

Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
I look at the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Chorus (3x):
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Will you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

(Chorus 3x)

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

clock ticks

One of my most favorite things to do is look at old photos.

The problem with doing that?

I just want time to stop. I want the clock to rewind. I want to be in that moment again. I end up not being content where I am here and now.

I miss the people the most. I miss all the people that have been in my life at one point in time. They either aren't there and I have no clue where they are, I have no way to contact them, too much time has passed and if I contacted them it'd be kinda awkward, or...they are still a part of my life, and I'm so grateful that they are!

I miss the places too. I miss traveling all over the U.S. with student life. I miss Tallahassee and being at FSU. I miss eating at certain places, going to coffee shops, or parks...

I miss the laughter from those moments.

I've said it before, but I wish that all of those people and places were all in one place all at once.

The great thing about pictures, is they are!

Rong Rong and Bao Beir

I have a new friend!

Her name is Rong Rong!! She is from Shanxi. She's here in Kunming (one building over from me) watching her uncle's baby. She is also 23. She studied English when she was young, but found the grammar too difficult, and is now re-learning English with me. :-) We walk around the lake in the Xiao Qu (neighborhood) and she tells me chinese "da yu" and i say "big fish" or she (somehow--amazingly) remembered willow tree! i can't even remember the chinese...i think it's ....eh i forgot. Anyway, it's been a blast getting to know her.

Today, the weather was beautiful in Kunming. We had a half day at school, then a meeting, and then we were pretty much free to go early. I stuck around and got some things done until 5pm. By then, I was dying to be out in the sun, so I came home, grabbed a book, and took a walk around the lake. I was pretty positive I'd run into Rong Rong and Bao Beir (baby), and sure enough I did. They were feeding the "da yu" some bread. :-) We got to talking, and her uncle was with her. He invited me over for coffee (which--is kinda a joke...they only drink instant coffee here...tea is kinda the "thing"). I gladly went to their house for an hour, talked as much as I could, and listened too. The uncle's English is a little better than Rong Rong's. He knew the word for "map" as I was trying to tell him that right now my sister is in Trinidad...but I don't know how to say that. So in a round-about way, I told him...(in Chinese), "You know America and Canada are...uh...(I knew this isn't what they called North America, but I translated it that same way) North America? You know there is another America...a South America (they thought I was talking about my house...which is south in America (United States) (confused yet?)"....Anyway, I changed gears and went another route. "You know Hainan and Hong Kong? Those are "islands"....Trinidad is also an island. Then he thought I said Ireland. OH DEAR! ....After about 5 minutes of discussion, I finally pulled out my phone (remembering that I have the World Clock that shows a map of the world), and pointed to the ocean. Then they got my meaning!

I love it!

We made plans for me to make them pizza...and they will make me Chinese food. Sounds grand!

Lost Eyes

Conversations, people watching, overhearing conversations....I get the feeling that there is just a whole lotta lostness...everywhere! Conversations are empty and meaningless. Mothers worry about middle school daughters and the kids they hang out with. Fathers having affiars with other women, in front of their wife and kids, and nobody says anything. Eyes look blank. Fake eyelashes and talking about cosmetic surgery to have double eyelids and a higher, thinner nose. Why are the young people working so hard? The rich are snobby and rub in the fact that they have a higher education. The poor feel stuck (rightly so--here), and they live life like there aren't any consequences to their actions.

Often I'm afraid that as a foreigner here that I am percieved as one of those "snobby rich" types. I find that when I stop, smile (maybe laugh--'cause that happens often) and start to talk and ask questions, no matter which person it is, their walls come tumbling down...and I can see through it. The act. The facade. He sees and knows. It's so scary to let others in though...

I'm surrounded by lostness--here or at home. It just hits me here more often. Maybe because I'm out of my culture. When I'm home, I'm almost always surrounded by "sameness"...here I feel different, and observe the difference more carefully. I hurt. I noticed on my bike ride today that my head was in a knot. I had to massage it out, because I was about to cry for the random grandma walking down the street, carrying the baby strapped on her back, or for the young boy smoking a cigarette...even for the cute old man pushing his wife in a wheelchair around the neighborhood. So much lostness. Where are they going? What is their purpose? Who defines them? (actually--that would be culture--pop or traditional)...

What is hope for them? What are they hoping for? I know what they need (we all need)...Open their eyes, Jesus!

Friendships

As with any friendship, the longer you are friends, the closer you become. I have officially made it "in" here...

My friend Jenny and I had hot pot on Saturday evening...and she asked me to be in her wedding!! Chinese weddings aren't like American weddings. They are becoming more and more Western like, but...still not the same. Most brides wear a red dress, but Jenny will have a white one. The brides rent dresses, and the guys buy the tuxes (actually kinda makes more sense that way...). Jenny's boyfriend wants to buy her one online. Most brides also don't have any bridesmaids. They usually celebrate by having a big banquet dinner...and the few I've been to, a little ceremony. Then the bride and groom circle the room making toasts to each table, and by the end of the night, they are swhasted! I was asked to be a bridesmaid in a wedding, and I cannot even express how happy that makes me! :-) It is sure to be a one-of-a-kind experience!!

Confusion

Life isn't supposed to be confusing is it? ...Didn't think so. BUT, mine has been lately! Life in Him is peaceful and a joyful surrender to what He wants.

I'm tired of trying to do make my decision about next year based upon what everyone else wants. I don't even want to make it based upon what I want. I know myself well enough to know that if I DO make a decision for someone else or for myself, it still won't be fulfilling enough. Why? Cause I fail myself and others will continue to hold their expectations above my head--I'll never be what they want me to be or what I may want myself to be. Maybe I don't have goals. Maybe I'm lazy? I don't think so. I just beat myself up too much if I live that way and burn out quickly. He has to be the only voice I listen to, or else...I'll feel like I do right now...CONFUSED!

The past year and a half has been difficult at times. It has been an amazing experience. The people I've met, the experiences I've had...learning the language, getting around town on a bike, eating the local food, living alone and feeling alone at times, finding community within the single girls here as well as young families that are working out here, the school where I get to teach--with so much freedom and doing what I absolutely love. There has been freedom and excitement doing what He called me to do in May 2009. Why would I want to leave it?

Thinking about going home (as much as I love home and miss it often when I slow down and think about how much I miss at home) sounds like this dream...this life I'm living here, which has so much purpose and excitment in it would suddenly come to a halting end. I don't think I'd have direction at home. Am I doubting Him? He would give me purpose in anything I do--He's always there, but...if I'm already doing what I love and feel Him around me here, why should I leave?

I know how so many of you feel reading this. "Why can't she do the same thing here?" "We need people in the States doing the same thing!" "Does she feel like she's better than us?" ...No. NO. NO! I realize the need at home. I realize that I'm missing so much--and that kills me too.

There is a part of me that doesn't ever think I'll fit back into the "american mold"...how can I? Why should I? I don't want to! One of my fears in coming home is not having a place to belong. Life has moved on at home. I've changed over here too. I don't fit the cookie-cutter mold. I don't want to. Maybe I'm rebellious? I want to live a wild and crazy life. Is that wrong? I can't take what I've already experienced in China and hanging out with people from all over the world here--an international community and go right back to living in one part of the states, hanging out with the same kind of people all the time and burying my love for people from all countries and cultures. I will never have a "home" the rest of my life. I don't ever want to! Sure, I would love to maybe settle some day--live the dream life...but is that what He wants? I don't want to be content. I fear getting in a place of complacency. Maybe some of ya'll do live the dream life and have settled and you aren't complacent. That's great! For me, it would be a temptation.

I'm rambling and can't figure out how to organize my thoughts. Sorry.

All this to say...I have a decision to make in 11 days...to stay or to go. I don't know what to do. Everyone at home is voting "come home!" Everyone here is giving me advice to "do what He wants...and have a peace about that decision." Guess what? I still don't know. I'm torn. I've fallen in love with the community here. It changes every year. It is never the same. It's hard. It's not an easy life. Sometimes I think I'm crazy for loving it so much. Sometimes I wonder if I'm fooling myself. Do I really love it? But...when I think about the life I would go home to, the excitment of life dies. I get a depressed feeling. I don't see what's ahead when I think about that--everything gets a shady color of grey. School? Live at home? No car. No money. No anything. Where do I fit back in (I know ya'll would accept me back in, but...it's been a long time that we've been apart and clicking again...does it happen?)? So many questions.

Confused.

Day of Tears

Hmmm...Here's me being transparent. Completely. I don't have anyone to directly share with right now...because it would kind of be embarassing to do. But to all of you...millions of miles away....here it is. Thank you for the release.

I have spent time alone (which my family could tell you that I often do anyway), but sometimes I don't exactly use that time wisely. I guess I would consider the time recently used for better purposes--self evaluation, prayer and reading. Hmm. Hard stuff! I don't think I do it enough. It has brought me to sobbing tears today. As I write my chin is quivering and my eyes are watery.

I was reading Jonah today (spurred to read it after reading "Your God is too Safe"--Chapter 4--TY Christa for the book!). One verse in particular hit me hard. It pierced my heart. Jonah 1: 12 says, "And he said to them, 'Pick me up and throw me into the sea. Then the sea will become calm for you, for I know that on account of me this great storm has come upon you.'" How often does our disobedience affect people around us? All the time! Every time. ...We arent' the only ones that are affected by our own selfishness...etc. I cried today because I know that my disobedience--deliberate disobedience has affected so many people around me. It's affected them all in different ways. They might not care that much. Some of them might be like, "Let's throw her out of the boat." Some are saying, "I don't want 'innocent' blood on my hands though!" Let's just get one thing straight. None of us are perfectly right. We do affect each other. I know there is grace--which also made me cry today. I just can't help but drop big tears and blow a snotty nose over those who I've hurt. Those who I have been a poor witness to. What if they never come to know this kind of love and LIFE? It's my fault! I know He's bigger than me--and can do the impossible. However, I have a responsibility to follow. Follow no matter what. I have a Father who loves me more than anyone ever could. He has once again extended His arm out to me and brought me back to Him. Thank you, Father.

Okay...(sigh), I'm tired and need sleep now. Or else there will be tears in the morning.

Skool Dayz

My name is Hanna my job is go to sckool. I am Jan my job is to be a techer. Yo my name is toto my job is to eat. What is your job for to day?

One student calls out, “teacher, teacher!” I look over and his foot is stuck in the chair and he’s trying to get out.

After reading a story about pumpkins and how they grow, the students were going to be assigned to write a sentence about one of the steps and draw a picture of that step. Before we let the students go back to their seats and begin working, we wanted to check for understanding, so we had the students help tell us how pumpkins grow. The last step is “eat and enjoy” (of course, right?)…well one student (a little boy) turns to another student (a little girl he happened to have a crush on) and said, “If you was a pumpkin, I would eat you up!” What is hilarious is he’s not from Georgia…he’s definitely an English Language Learner. Shame on us for speaking incorrect English that he gets to mimic. :-/


During thanksgiving time: “I love smashed potatoes!”


Working on vocabulary and using it in a sentence, “I have lived on earth for 8 years” and “Cheese is popular.”

I was acting as a bad kid in class while students were playing school. One child walked up and began to watch us play and said, “this is better than watching a movie!”

“Thank you for teaching us.”

“Miss Shoe, I liked when you taught us today. That was fun!”

“I want to move to Mrs. Lester’s group,” said one of my students.
“Why?” asked another girl in my group.
“…because Mrs. Lester is……and she has poofy hair!”
“That’s it? That’s the only reason?”

When you’re 100 years old, you know everything! (One 1st grader said while writing about what she’ll be like when she’s 100 years old).

NEEDS WANTS
A hug a kiss
food sushi
(this is a first grader...oh boy!)

Miss Papon asked the 1st graders, “What is the 1st thing you do when you’re in the bathroom in a lock-down drill. A student replies, “you pull your pants up!” with a serious face.



Hope you enjoyed stepping into a few of my humorous yet gratifing days as a teacher 