Hmmm...Here's me being transparent. Completely. I don't have anyone to directly share with right now...because it would kind of be embarassing to do. But to all of you...millions of miles away....here it is. Thank you for the release.
I have spent time alone (which my family could tell you that I often do anyway), but sometimes I don't exactly use that time wisely. I guess I would consider the time recently used for better purposes--self evaluation, prayer and reading. Hmm. Hard stuff! I don't think I do it enough. It has brought me to sobbing tears today. As I write my chin is quivering and my eyes are watery.
I was reading Jonah today (spurred to read it after reading "Your God is too Safe"--Chapter 4--TY Christa for the book!). One verse in particular hit me hard. It pierced my heart. Jonah 1: 12 says, "And he said to them, 'Pick me up and throw me into the sea. Then the sea will become calm for you, for I know that on account of me this great storm has come upon you.'" How often does our disobedience affect people around us? All the time! Every time. ...We arent' the only ones that are affected by our own selfishness...etc. I cried today because I know that my disobedience--deliberate disobedience has affected so many people around me. It's affected them all in different ways. They might not care that much. Some of them might be like, "Let's throw her out of the boat." Some are saying, "I don't want 'innocent' blood on my hands though!" Let's just get one thing straight. None of us are perfectly right. We do affect each other. I know there is grace--which also made me cry today. I just can't help but drop big tears and blow a snotty nose over those who I've hurt. Those who I have been a poor witness to. What if they never come to know this kind of love and LIFE? It's my fault! I know He's bigger than me--and can do the impossible. However, I have a responsibility to follow. Follow no matter what. I have a Father who loves me more than anyone ever could. He has once again extended His arm out to me and brought me back to Him. Thank you, Father.
Okay...(sigh), I'm tired and need sleep now. Or else there will be tears in the morning.
