Life isn't supposed to be confusing is it? ...Didn't think so. BUT, mine has been lately! Life in Him is peaceful and a joyful surrender to what He wants.
I'm tired of trying to do make my decision about next year based upon what everyone else wants. I don't even want to make it based upon what I want. I know myself well enough to know that if I DO make a decision for someone else or for myself, it still won't be fulfilling enough. Why? Cause I fail myself and others will continue to hold their expectations above my head--I'll never be what they want me to be or what I may want myself to be. Maybe I don't have goals. Maybe I'm lazy? I don't think so. I just beat myself up too much if I live that way and burn out quickly. He has to be the only voice I listen to, or else...I'll feel like I do right now...CONFUSED!
The past year and a half has been difficult at times. It has been an amazing experience. The people I've met, the experiences I've had...learning the language, getting around town on a bike, eating the local food, living alone and feeling alone at times, finding community within the single girls here as well as young families that are working out here, the school where I get to teach--with so much freedom and doing what I absolutely love. There has been freedom and excitement doing what He called me to do in May 2009. Why would I want to leave it?
Thinking about going home (as much as I love home and miss it often when I slow down and think about how much I miss at home) sounds like this dream...this life I'm living here, which has so much purpose and excitment in it would suddenly come to a halting end. I don't think I'd have direction at home. Am I doubting Him? He would give me purpose in anything I do--He's always there, but...if I'm already doing what I love and feel Him around me here, why should I leave?
I know how so many of you feel reading this. "Why can't she do the same thing here?" "We need people in the States doing the same thing!" "Does she feel like she's better than us?" ...No. NO. NO! I realize the need at home. I realize that I'm missing so much--and that kills me too.
There is a part of me that doesn't ever think I'll fit back into the "american mold"...how can I? Why should I? I don't want to! One of my fears in coming home is not having a place to belong. Life has moved on at home. I've changed over here too. I don't fit the cookie-cutter mold. I don't want to. Maybe I'm rebellious? I want to live a wild and crazy life. Is that wrong? I can't take what I've already experienced in China and hanging out with people from all over the world here--an international community and go right back to living in one part of the states, hanging out with the same kind of people all the time and burying my love for people from all countries and cultures. I will never have a "home" the rest of my life. I don't ever want to! Sure, I would love to maybe settle some day--live the dream life...but is that what He wants? I don't want to be content. I fear getting in a place of complacency. Maybe some of ya'll do live the dream life and have settled and you aren't complacent. That's great! For me, it would be a temptation.
I'm rambling and can't figure out how to organize my thoughts. Sorry.
All this to say...I have a decision to make in 11 days...to stay or to go. I don't know what to do. Everyone at home is voting "come home!" Everyone here is giving me advice to "do what He wants...and have a peace about that decision." Guess what? I still don't know. I'm torn. I've fallen in love with the community here. It changes every year. It is never the same. It's hard. It's not an easy life. Sometimes I think I'm crazy for loving it so much. Sometimes I wonder if I'm fooling myself. Do I really love it? But...when I think about the life I would go home to, the excitment of life dies. I get a depressed feeling. I don't see what's ahead when I think about that--everything gets a shady color of grey. School? Live at home? No car. No money. No anything. Where do I fit back in (I know ya'll would accept me back in, but...it's been a long time that we've been apart and clicking again...does it happen?)? So many questions.
Confused.
