Too Many Thoughts

"You think too much"

:-/

I hear this a lot. From all kinds of people. It could be a positive thing, right?

What is being normal? That's my question today. I just don't think I've hit that mark. Not sure I ever want to...but I've got a feeling, that I don't quite fit the "norm"...

Oh, to have a chat with someone who has similar thoughts; to think together while drinking coffee... What joy that would bring me! ;-)

Your Love is Strong

My thoughts today (the nice, paraphrased version): Why do I worry? Why do I freak out? He created the stars in the heavens and knows how many grains of sand there are. Why do I think He can't direct my path and why don't I trust Him?

Father, help my unbelief!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=301S7NgAkLs

Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
I look at the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Chorus (3x):
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Will you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

(Chorus 3x)

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

clock ticks

One of my most favorite things to do is look at old photos.

The problem with doing that?

I just want time to stop. I want the clock to rewind. I want to be in that moment again. I end up not being content where I am here and now.

I miss the people the most. I miss all the people that have been in my life at one point in time. They either aren't there and I have no clue where they are, I have no way to contact them, too much time has passed and if I contacted them it'd be kinda awkward, or...they are still a part of my life, and I'm so grateful that they are!

I miss the places too. I miss traveling all over the U.S. with student life. I miss Tallahassee and being at FSU. I miss eating at certain places, going to coffee shops, or parks...

I miss the laughter from those moments.

I've said it before, but I wish that all of those people and places were all in one place all at once.

The great thing about pictures, is they are!

Rong Rong and Bao Beir

I have a new friend!

Her name is Rong Rong!! She is from Shanxi. She's here in Kunming (one building over from me) watching her uncle's baby. She is also 23. She studied English when she was young, but found the grammar too difficult, and is now re-learning English with me. :-) We walk around the lake in the Xiao Qu (neighborhood) and she tells me chinese "da yu" and i say "big fish" or she (somehow--amazingly) remembered willow tree! i can't even remember the chinese...i think it's ....eh i forgot. Anyway, it's been a blast getting to know her.

Today, the weather was beautiful in Kunming. We had a half day at school, then a meeting, and then we were pretty much free to go early. I stuck around and got some things done until 5pm. By then, I was dying to be out in the sun, so I came home, grabbed a book, and took a walk around the lake. I was pretty positive I'd run into Rong Rong and Bao Beir (baby), and sure enough I did. They were feeding the "da yu" some bread. :-) We got to talking, and her uncle was with her. He invited me over for coffee (which--is kinda a joke...they only drink instant coffee here...tea is kinda the "thing"). I gladly went to their house for an hour, talked as much as I could, and listened too. The uncle's English is a little better than Rong Rong's. He knew the word for "map" as I was trying to tell him that right now my sister is in Trinidad...but I don't know how to say that. So in a round-about way, I told him...(in Chinese), "You know America and Canada are...uh...(I knew this isn't what they called North America, but I translated it that same way) North America? You know there is another America...a South America (they thought I was talking about my house...which is south in America (United States) (confused yet?)"....Anyway, I changed gears and went another route. "You know Hainan and Hong Kong? Those are "islands"....Trinidad is also an island. Then he thought I said Ireland. OH DEAR! ....After about 5 minutes of discussion, I finally pulled out my phone (remembering that I have the World Clock that shows a map of the world), and pointed to the ocean. Then they got my meaning!

I love it!

We made plans for me to make them pizza...and they will make me Chinese food. Sounds grand!

Lost Eyes

Conversations, people watching, overhearing conversations....I get the feeling that there is just a whole lotta lostness...everywhere! Conversations are empty and meaningless. Mothers worry about middle school daughters and the kids they hang out with. Fathers having affiars with other women, in front of their wife and kids, and nobody says anything. Eyes look blank. Fake eyelashes and talking about cosmetic surgery to have double eyelids and a higher, thinner nose. Why are the young people working so hard? The rich are snobby and rub in the fact that they have a higher education. The poor feel stuck (rightly so--here), and they live life like there aren't any consequences to their actions.

Often I'm afraid that as a foreigner here that I am percieved as one of those "snobby rich" types. I find that when I stop, smile (maybe laugh--'cause that happens often) and start to talk and ask questions, no matter which person it is, their walls come tumbling down...and I can see through it. The act. The facade. He sees and knows. It's so scary to let others in though...

I'm surrounded by lostness--here or at home. It just hits me here more often. Maybe because I'm out of my culture. When I'm home, I'm almost always surrounded by "sameness"...here I feel different, and observe the difference more carefully. I hurt. I noticed on my bike ride today that my head was in a knot. I had to massage it out, because I was about to cry for the random grandma walking down the street, carrying the baby strapped on her back, or for the young boy smoking a cigarette...even for the cute old man pushing his wife in a wheelchair around the neighborhood. So much lostness. Where are they going? What is their purpose? Who defines them? (actually--that would be culture--pop or traditional)...

What is hope for them? What are they hoping for? I know what they need (we all need)...Open their eyes, Jesus!

Friendships

As with any friendship, the longer you are friends, the closer you become. I have officially made it "in" here...

My friend Jenny and I had hot pot on Saturday evening...and she asked me to be in her wedding!! Chinese weddings aren't like American weddings. They are becoming more and more Western like, but...still not the same. Most brides wear a red dress, but Jenny will have a white one. The brides rent dresses, and the guys buy the tuxes (actually kinda makes more sense that way...). Jenny's boyfriend wants to buy her one online. Most brides also don't have any bridesmaids. They usually celebrate by having a big banquet dinner...and the few I've been to, a little ceremony. Then the bride and groom circle the room making toasts to each table, and by the end of the night, they are swhasted! I was asked to be a bridesmaid in a wedding, and I cannot even express how happy that makes me! :-) It is sure to be a one-of-a-kind experience!!

Confusion

Life isn't supposed to be confusing is it? ...Didn't think so. BUT, mine has been lately! Life in Him is peaceful and a joyful surrender to what He wants.

I'm tired of trying to do make my decision about next year based upon what everyone else wants. I don't even want to make it based upon what I want. I know myself well enough to know that if I DO make a decision for someone else or for myself, it still won't be fulfilling enough. Why? Cause I fail myself and others will continue to hold their expectations above my head--I'll never be what they want me to be or what I may want myself to be. Maybe I don't have goals. Maybe I'm lazy? I don't think so. I just beat myself up too much if I live that way and burn out quickly. He has to be the only voice I listen to, or else...I'll feel like I do right now...CONFUSED!

The past year and a half has been difficult at times. It has been an amazing experience. The people I've met, the experiences I've had...learning the language, getting around town on a bike, eating the local food, living alone and feeling alone at times, finding community within the single girls here as well as young families that are working out here, the school where I get to teach--with so much freedom and doing what I absolutely love. There has been freedom and excitement doing what He called me to do in May 2009. Why would I want to leave it?

Thinking about going home (as much as I love home and miss it often when I slow down and think about how much I miss at home) sounds like this dream...this life I'm living here, which has so much purpose and excitment in it would suddenly come to a halting end. I don't think I'd have direction at home. Am I doubting Him? He would give me purpose in anything I do--He's always there, but...if I'm already doing what I love and feel Him around me here, why should I leave?

I know how so many of you feel reading this. "Why can't she do the same thing here?" "We need people in the States doing the same thing!" "Does she feel like she's better than us?" ...No. NO. NO! I realize the need at home. I realize that I'm missing so much--and that kills me too.

There is a part of me that doesn't ever think I'll fit back into the "american mold"...how can I? Why should I? I don't want to! One of my fears in coming home is not having a place to belong. Life has moved on at home. I've changed over here too. I don't fit the cookie-cutter mold. I don't want to. Maybe I'm rebellious? I want to live a wild and crazy life. Is that wrong? I can't take what I've already experienced in China and hanging out with people from all over the world here--an international community and go right back to living in one part of the states, hanging out with the same kind of people all the time and burying my love for people from all countries and cultures. I will never have a "home" the rest of my life. I don't ever want to! Sure, I would love to maybe settle some day--live the dream life...but is that what He wants? I don't want to be content. I fear getting in a place of complacency. Maybe some of ya'll do live the dream life and have settled and you aren't complacent. That's great! For me, it would be a temptation.

I'm rambling and can't figure out how to organize my thoughts. Sorry.

All this to say...I have a decision to make in 11 days...to stay or to go. I don't know what to do. Everyone at home is voting "come home!" Everyone here is giving me advice to "do what He wants...and have a peace about that decision." Guess what? I still don't know. I'm torn. I've fallen in love with the community here. It changes every year. It is never the same. It's hard. It's not an easy life. Sometimes I think I'm crazy for loving it so much. Sometimes I wonder if I'm fooling myself. Do I really love it? But...when I think about the life I would go home to, the excitment of life dies. I get a depressed feeling. I don't see what's ahead when I think about that--everything gets a shady color of grey. School? Live at home? No car. No money. No anything. Where do I fit back in (I know ya'll would accept me back in, but...it's been a long time that we've been apart and clicking again...does it happen?)? So many questions.

Confused.