Rong Rong and Bao Beir

I have a new friend!

Her name is Rong Rong!! She is from Shanxi. She's here in Kunming (one building over from me) watching her uncle's baby. She is also 23. She studied English when she was young, but found the grammar too difficult, and is now re-learning English with me. :-) We walk around the lake in the Xiao Qu (neighborhood) and she tells me chinese "da yu" and i say "big fish" or she (somehow--amazingly) remembered willow tree! i can't even remember the chinese...i think it's ....eh i forgot. Anyway, it's been a blast getting to know her.

Today, the weather was beautiful in Kunming. We had a half day at school, then a meeting, and then we were pretty much free to go early. I stuck around and got some things done until 5pm. By then, I was dying to be out in the sun, so I came home, grabbed a book, and took a walk around the lake. I was pretty positive I'd run into Rong Rong and Bao Beir (baby), and sure enough I did. They were feeding the "da yu" some bread. :-) We got to talking, and her uncle was with her. He invited me over for coffee (which--is kinda a joke...they only drink instant coffee here...tea is kinda the "thing"). I gladly went to their house for an hour, talked as much as I could, and listened too. The uncle's English is a little better than Rong Rong's. He knew the word for "map" as I was trying to tell him that right now my sister is in Trinidad...but I don't know how to say that. So in a round-about way, I told him...(in Chinese), "You know America and Canada are...uh...(I knew this isn't what they called North America, but I translated it that same way) North America? You know there is another America...a South America (they thought I was talking about my house...which is south in America (United States) (confused yet?)"....Anyway, I changed gears and went another route. "You know Hainan and Hong Kong? Those are "islands"....Trinidad is also an island. Then he thought I said Ireland. OH DEAR! ....After about 5 minutes of discussion, I finally pulled out my phone (remembering that I have the World Clock that shows a map of the world), and pointed to the ocean. Then they got my meaning!

I love it!

We made plans for me to make them pizza...and they will make me Chinese food. Sounds grand!

Lost Eyes

Conversations, people watching, overhearing conversations....I get the feeling that there is just a whole lotta lostness...everywhere! Conversations are empty and meaningless. Mothers worry about middle school daughters and the kids they hang out with. Fathers having affiars with other women, in front of their wife and kids, and nobody says anything. Eyes look blank. Fake eyelashes and talking about cosmetic surgery to have double eyelids and a higher, thinner nose. Why are the young people working so hard? The rich are snobby and rub in the fact that they have a higher education. The poor feel stuck (rightly so--here), and they live life like there aren't any consequences to their actions.

Often I'm afraid that as a foreigner here that I am percieved as one of those "snobby rich" types. I find that when I stop, smile (maybe laugh--'cause that happens often) and start to talk and ask questions, no matter which person it is, their walls come tumbling down...and I can see through it. The act. The facade. He sees and knows. It's so scary to let others in though...

I'm surrounded by lostness--here or at home. It just hits me here more often. Maybe because I'm out of my culture. When I'm home, I'm almost always surrounded by "sameness"...here I feel different, and observe the difference more carefully. I hurt. I noticed on my bike ride today that my head was in a knot. I had to massage it out, because I was about to cry for the random grandma walking down the street, carrying the baby strapped on her back, or for the young boy smoking a cigarette...even for the cute old man pushing his wife in a wheelchair around the neighborhood. So much lostness. Where are they going? What is their purpose? Who defines them? (actually--that would be culture--pop or traditional)...

What is hope for them? What are they hoping for? I know what they need (we all need)...Open their eyes, Jesus!

Friendships

As with any friendship, the longer you are friends, the closer you become. I have officially made it "in" here...

My friend Jenny and I had hot pot on Saturday evening...and she asked me to be in her wedding!! Chinese weddings aren't like American weddings. They are becoming more and more Western like, but...still not the same. Most brides wear a red dress, but Jenny will have a white one. The brides rent dresses, and the guys buy the tuxes (actually kinda makes more sense that way...). Jenny's boyfriend wants to buy her one online. Most brides also don't have any bridesmaids. They usually celebrate by having a big banquet dinner...and the few I've been to, a little ceremony. Then the bride and groom circle the room making toasts to each table, and by the end of the night, they are swhasted! I was asked to be a bridesmaid in a wedding, and I cannot even express how happy that makes me! :-) It is sure to be a one-of-a-kind experience!!

Confusion

Life isn't supposed to be confusing is it? ...Didn't think so. BUT, mine has been lately! Life in Him is peaceful and a joyful surrender to what He wants.

I'm tired of trying to do make my decision about next year based upon what everyone else wants. I don't even want to make it based upon what I want. I know myself well enough to know that if I DO make a decision for someone else or for myself, it still won't be fulfilling enough. Why? Cause I fail myself and others will continue to hold their expectations above my head--I'll never be what they want me to be or what I may want myself to be. Maybe I don't have goals. Maybe I'm lazy? I don't think so. I just beat myself up too much if I live that way and burn out quickly. He has to be the only voice I listen to, or else...I'll feel like I do right now...CONFUSED!

The past year and a half has been difficult at times. It has been an amazing experience. The people I've met, the experiences I've had...learning the language, getting around town on a bike, eating the local food, living alone and feeling alone at times, finding community within the single girls here as well as young families that are working out here, the school where I get to teach--with so much freedom and doing what I absolutely love. There has been freedom and excitement doing what He called me to do in May 2009. Why would I want to leave it?

Thinking about going home (as much as I love home and miss it often when I slow down and think about how much I miss at home) sounds like this dream...this life I'm living here, which has so much purpose and excitment in it would suddenly come to a halting end. I don't think I'd have direction at home. Am I doubting Him? He would give me purpose in anything I do--He's always there, but...if I'm already doing what I love and feel Him around me here, why should I leave?

I know how so many of you feel reading this. "Why can't she do the same thing here?" "We need people in the States doing the same thing!" "Does she feel like she's better than us?" ...No. NO. NO! I realize the need at home. I realize that I'm missing so much--and that kills me too.

There is a part of me that doesn't ever think I'll fit back into the "american mold"...how can I? Why should I? I don't want to! One of my fears in coming home is not having a place to belong. Life has moved on at home. I've changed over here too. I don't fit the cookie-cutter mold. I don't want to. Maybe I'm rebellious? I want to live a wild and crazy life. Is that wrong? I can't take what I've already experienced in China and hanging out with people from all over the world here--an international community and go right back to living in one part of the states, hanging out with the same kind of people all the time and burying my love for people from all countries and cultures. I will never have a "home" the rest of my life. I don't ever want to! Sure, I would love to maybe settle some day--live the dream life...but is that what He wants? I don't want to be content. I fear getting in a place of complacency. Maybe some of ya'll do live the dream life and have settled and you aren't complacent. That's great! For me, it would be a temptation.

I'm rambling and can't figure out how to organize my thoughts. Sorry.

All this to say...I have a decision to make in 11 days...to stay or to go. I don't know what to do. Everyone at home is voting "come home!" Everyone here is giving me advice to "do what He wants...and have a peace about that decision." Guess what? I still don't know. I'm torn. I've fallen in love with the community here. It changes every year. It is never the same. It's hard. It's not an easy life. Sometimes I think I'm crazy for loving it so much. Sometimes I wonder if I'm fooling myself. Do I really love it? But...when I think about the life I would go home to, the excitment of life dies. I get a depressed feeling. I don't see what's ahead when I think about that--everything gets a shady color of grey. School? Live at home? No car. No money. No anything. Where do I fit back in (I know ya'll would accept me back in, but...it's been a long time that we've been apart and clicking again...does it happen?)? So many questions.

Confused.

Day of Tears

Hmmm...Here's me being transparent. Completely. I don't have anyone to directly share with right now...because it would kind of be embarassing to do. But to all of you...millions of miles away....here it is. Thank you for the release.

I have spent time alone (which my family could tell you that I often do anyway), but sometimes I don't exactly use that time wisely. I guess I would consider the time recently used for better purposes--self evaluation, prayer and reading. Hmm. Hard stuff! I don't think I do it enough. It has brought me to sobbing tears today. As I write my chin is quivering and my eyes are watery.

I was reading Jonah today (spurred to read it after reading "Your God is too Safe"--Chapter 4--TY Christa for the book!). One verse in particular hit me hard. It pierced my heart. Jonah 1: 12 says, "And he said to them, 'Pick me up and throw me into the sea. Then the sea will become calm for you, for I know that on account of me this great storm has come upon you.'" How often does our disobedience affect people around us? All the time! Every time. ...We arent' the only ones that are affected by our own selfishness...etc. I cried today because I know that my disobedience--deliberate disobedience has affected so many people around me. It's affected them all in different ways. They might not care that much. Some of them might be like, "Let's throw her out of the boat." Some are saying, "I don't want 'innocent' blood on my hands though!" Let's just get one thing straight. None of us are perfectly right. We do affect each other. I know there is grace--which also made me cry today. I just can't help but drop big tears and blow a snotty nose over those who I've hurt. Those who I have been a poor witness to. What if they never come to know this kind of love and LIFE? It's my fault! I know He's bigger than me--and can do the impossible. However, I have a responsibility to follow. Follow no matter what. I have a Father who loves me more than anyone ever could. He has once again extended His arm out to me and brought me back to Him. Thank you, Father.

Okay...(sigh), I'm tired and need sleep now. Or else there will be tears in the morning.

Skool Dayz

My name is Hanna my job is go to sckool. I am Jan my job is to be a techer. Yo my name is toto my job is to eat. What is your job for to day?

One student calls out, “teacher, teacher!” I look over and his foot is stuck in the chair and he’s trying to get out.

After reading a story about pumpkins and how they grow, the students were going to be assigned to write a sentence about one of the steps and draw a picture of that step. Before we let the students go back to their seats and begin working, we wanted to check for understanding, so we had the students help tell us how pumpkins grow. The last step is “eat and enjoy” (of course, right?)…well one student (a little boy) turns to another student (a little girl he happened to have a crush on) and said, “If you was a pumpkin, I would eat you up!” What is hilarious is he’s not from Georgia…he’s definitely an English Language Learner. Shame on us for speaking incorrect English that he gets to mimic. :-/


During thanksgiving time: “I love smashed potatoes!”


Working on vocabulary and using it in a sentence, “I have lived on earth for 8 years” and “Cheese is popular.”

I was acting as a bad kid in class while students were playing school. One child walked up and began to watch us play and said, “this is better than watching a movie!”

“Thank you for teaching us.”

“Miss Shoe, I liked when you taught us today. That was fun!”

“I want to move to Mrs. Lester’s group,” said one of my students.
“Why?” asked another girl in my group.
“…because Mrs. Lester is……and she has poofy hair!”
“That’s it? That’s the only reason?”

When you’re 100 years old, you know everything! (One 1st grader said while writing about what she’ll be like when she’s 100 years old).

NEEDS WANTS
A hug a kiss
food sushi
(this is a first grader...oh boy!)

Miss Papon asked the 1st graders, “What is the 1st thing you do when you’re in the bathroom in a lock-down drill. A student replies, “you pull your pants up!” with a serious face.



Hope you enjoyed stepping into a few of my humorous yet gratifing days as a teacher 

I can almost smell it!

I miss home. As going about my day today, home was on my mind. As I folded laundry on my bed, I wanted mom to talk to and I wanted to be folding with her. As I thought about what to do about dinner (and having really no possible options), I missed mom's home cooked meals. I miss having noise in the house. I miss calling mom, dad or Jamie and talking about stuff randomly. I miss driving. I miss the grocery store (I saw it on Gilmore Girls last night and got really excited). I miss the ease of everything. I miss the beach (looks like I won't be going swimming, or maybe not even touching the sand--you have no idea how much that depresses me!). I miss Panera Bread (I think I've mentioned that a few times before)...I miss cleaning (we have a house helper that comes three times a week--what?!...I know, I know...but I really miss cleaning). I miss laying on the couch with family all in one room. I miss drinking daddy's sweet tea after he just sat down on the couch after a long day...haha. Love you dad! I miss pestering Jamie...trying to snuggle in bed with her and her finally getting so upset that she yells...haha. I miss Jared asking me to do something with him randomly. I miss the fridge being full of food most of the time...(it is rarely full here)...I miss the pantry (what is a pantry?!). I miss shopping. I miss just going and looking and trying on but not always buying. I miss just walking in the mall...just because. I miss dressing up and "looking cute" and going downtown with friends. I miss a lot. I miss people. I miss Grammy and Grandaddy being so close to home and riding mom's bike to their house. I miss family gatherings at their house. I miss Grammy's cooking too! Soon...I won't have to miss. I'm kind of worried that even though I'll be home, I'll still be missing all of these things in my heart. How does home do this to us? Love and miss everyone!