countdown

Let the countdown begin!

Countdown to:
-Jenny's wedding (36 hours)
-Report Cards (1 week)
-last tutoring with Philip (7 more classes)
-end of tutoring with Mary (4 more classes)
-last day of school (8 and a half days)
-mom and dad arrive (13 days!)
-depart from China (26 days)

Am I excited about these coming? All but one, which encompasses a ton of emotion, memories, words that need to said to people--all of which typically I do terribly! The anticipation of any event is usually worse than the actual event itself. I'm betting that when I leave, I'll probably be a bit numb. I'm trying to do my best to live in every single moment--even the ones I don't particularly enjoy. I've had smiles on my face while standing next to someone on a bus that smells, while being nearly pressed up against the window. I'm making time for anything that inconveniently pops into my schedule (actually, China has made me much more at ease-thank goodness). I want to be with people. I want to pack. I want to be done. I hate thinking about it all. I can't seem to leave work when I'm there, or I leave without getting things done. Same thing at home. I can't focus. A lot to do in a little time, and I think there should be an order to things. Christa, where are you with your list? Not worried about any of it though. Surprisingly, like I said, I just want to be in every moment. I want to be productive and spend my time meaningfully.

With all that though, there's this other side of me that wants time to slow down. I don't want this countdown to be over so soon. I don't know what's after. I know that this summer will be full of activity, but then?! I keep having to tell myself that moving home is the next thing, but I don't know exactly what I'm going to get myself into. Prayers would be appreciated!

Go Green

O God who loves the human soul

too much to let it go, 

so thoroughly impose Yourself

into the heaps and depths of life

that nothing remains undisturbed. 

Plow this life, Lord, 

until everything You overturn

becomes a fertile soil, 

then plant me, O God, 

in the vast plain of Your love. 

Grow me, strengthen me, 

and do not lift your pressing hand 

until it can boastfully unveil

a display of Your splendor. 

-B.Moore

airports

I just want to be inside one. I don't really want to go anywhere. I want to go somewhere, but I just want to be back here. I think this may be part of departing here soon? Not sure. Perhaps this is one thing I'll miss? Airports.


...weird

Lesson One

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kemmlVEYciM

The sweetly elegiac "Boys (Lesson One)," is a techno-acoustic lullaby of lessons passed from father to son over an insistent electronic drum pattern that suggests these lessons can't be taught quickly enough -- time marches on and childhood ends too soon.

"Adults aren't calling children up into adulthood in a way where they can ask hard questions about what real life looks like," Steve Mason says. "Questions about the things that come along and break hearts and move them into adulthood. Boys' captures the desire of a father to talk to his son in a way that doesn't lie about how hard living is. And it does it with love and a radical trust in the belief that God isn't afraid of our questions."

LOVE Pandora! This came on today and it's been on repeat. Kinda vague lyrics-up for interpretation. I have a few of my own. And....I don't think it is just for boys. Perhaps my emotions are on overload right now, but it brought tears to my eyes imagining my dad saying this to me (and he has more or less said all of these things to me). Dads have such an important, necessary, sweet role in their children's lives! Love you, Daddy!

you think too much

I can't tell you how many times I've heard these words. Maybe not enough? I haven't stopped thinking, nor do I think it possible (I shouldn't underestimate the possibility of that happening one day, I suppose).

Today I had a thought. I suppose it comes with the territory of leaving a place I've called home for the past 3 years. It's saying goodbye to people that have been a part of my life, and places that I've been with people I love. My memories are always with me. I relive them often. It's both a blessing and a curse. I get a little panicky when I have to say goodbye though. I hear these lies that say, "How will you survive without this relationship? How will life continue without that person to talk to?" Though it's true there is never a duplicate for that person in our life, the extremity of "What will I do without this person?" doesn't really need to be there.

So...TODAY, I'm choosing to believe the TRUTH. The truth that is setting me free. (Stop with the cliche's, Jess)  Abraham had to let go of Isaac, his firstborn son that was promised to him. The one that he waited for. The one that God so divinely created in Sarah's womb. He had to trust God with his son.

Some people are hard to say bye to. Parents and family are difficult to walk away from and leave. Friends from various walks of life have been hard to part with. But what about the people you never intended or wanted to say goodbye to, but through circumstances had to? Those are the ones that hurt the most. You know that with friends and family you can always reconnect or contact. But the ones that you're restricted to contact? The ones that you can't ever tell you're thinking about them or praying for them?

I was reminded today that God knows my heart intimately and that he has given me every good gift. He has given the ones I love to share life with. But ultimately, those people don't belong to me. (Am I possessive?) The relationships I have with people are special. They aren't there to tear me apart or control me through fear of the future. Just like Abraham did with his only son, Isaac, God wants me to give Him back those that I love.

你的名字 Your Name

Strong
Shelter
Powerful


Names are our identity. They have a long history of being extremely meaningful. Most parents pick out names during the pregnancy. My parents were no different. Only, my parents weren't sure whether I'd be a boy or girl. If a boy, Michael and if a girl, Katherine. Common names, but I like both a lot. Why'd my parents switch to Jessica Elizabeth? Well, no lie, mom was watching something on T.V. and saw Sarah Jessica Parker's name flash across the screen. She said to dad, "Jessica is a pretty name"...


In China, names are significant. Or, at least they have a history of being significant (though now, most are picked just for the sound instead of the meaning). They have meanings much like Native American names did. For example, Little Tiger小虎 or Beautiful Spring 春美. Whether we're part of one of these cultures or not, we still all have an understanding that names are special and are part of our identity. Being part of a new culture and language has allowed me to pick a new name for myself. It took many conversations with various people and a lot of my own research online for the right name. I wanted something that kind of sounded like Jessica, but that had a meaning that kind of described me. It's hard to pick your own name in another language. The name I first wanted was Faith in Chinese, or 信. However, Xin 信 doesn't sound like Jessica, nor does it always mean Faith. It also means letter. Like a letter you write to a friend. Um...not okay. So...the hunting started over again. After a year of introducing myself as Su Xin 苏信, and getting weird looks from Chinese people, as well as being told it is more likely to be a boy's name, I decided it was definitely wise for me to change my name. The outcome, a special friend finally named me a beautiful name, that never ceases to receive compliments...and it sounds like Jessica! 舒嘉怡 (Shu Jia Yi) is the name I now have. Shu sounds like Shoe and it is the family name or surname, so it totally fits. It also means comfortable when combined with another character. Jia means pure. Yi means happy or joy. Pure Joy? Sure, I'll take that! Yi- the last character is also the name of my friend Jenny here (my best friend in Kunming).


I was told recently that my name is beautiful- Jessica Elizabeth. I have always liked my name, but I can't say I've received that compliment about my name in the past. :) Often when we hear a name, it makes us feel a certain way. Being a teacher, if I hear certain names, I smile, I shake my head and laugh, or think to myself "I'll never name my kid that!"...Names from our childhood do the same thing. We have memories with other children. David was a name as a kid that I hated. There was a boy in my class that smelled bad and was mean. Since then, the name has redeemed itself (thanks to some classy David's...ha), but I still don't think I'll name my son David. All that to say, it makes me wonder what people think of when they hear "Jessica".


When you hear His name, what do you think? Many people start arguing. Some have a sense of peace rush over them- like watching a sunrise and sipping coffee while sitting on the beach. Some get defensive. His name makes others think "Strong" "My Shelter" "Protector" "Provider" "Powerful". What does Jesus' name make you think? What lasting impression are you leaving on those that are in your life (those that may only be in your life for a short time)? When they think of your name, is His name attached? Doing some soul-searching myself. We now also bear His name. What taste are we leaving in other's mind when they hear His name or our name?


I'd like to hear your thoughts. What does His name make you think?

floating in the clouds

lately, i've been told i am a dreamer.

my rationale for this? if i stop dreaming, i'll die! i know there are realities and life isn't a fantasy, but seriously...let a girl dream! i don't want to "grow up"... that doesn't mean i don't want to get older, it means i don't want to lose the child-like faith. the faith that says, "i can do that, and nobody or nothing will stop me." i have to keep trusting in the hope that he's set before me.

it's weird actually, i feel like in the last month my brain has been slow, but at the same time, i've been thinking "weird" things. well, maybe not weird. just kinda sorta weird. like....i've never ever ever wanted to go back to school for a ph.d. but suddenly the other morning, i'm having this conversation and it's going like this, "well, if you want me to get it so that it enables me to do something great for you, i will. but what?" ....so i keep hoping. what's next?

another "weird" thing was waking up over spring break with a sudden idea for a children's book. still working out the plot in my head and haven't got it figured out. it's something i've wanted to do, but just figured one day, i'd wake up and have a brilliant idea. it kinda did seem like that (let's see. ha!).

perhaps all this "dreaming" is because i'll be heading home all too soon. i'll be leaving the people and places i've come to call home, to return home. though i'm excited to return home, i'm also scared of losing sight of this "dreamland" i've been living in for the past month or so. it seems like the possibilities are endless. what's next? who will i meet? where will i live? where will i go after this? will i go back to school? will i be back in china? is there a career change coming up?

although dreaming is fun, and it's keeping me going right now (avoiding the depressed feelings i would succumb to without feeling the hope of the future), i'm also scared of being labeled a "dreamer"... at some point, reality does have to meet the dreams. i just keep praying for a clear vision that will touch down on the runway -called life!

Chinese New Year-春节快乐！

My senses have been overloaded the past week! Fireworks, vinegar, fish, mushy steamed veggies, freezing cold temperatures, airplanes and trains, and most importantly: I don't know what they're saying to me!!

This past week, I was privileged to go join Yunxia's home (some of you know her as Midea....she stayed with my family for Christmas in 2008). I was invited my first year in China, but because I went to Shanghai and spent Christmas with her in 2009, I didn't want to go see her again a month and a half later. I was going to go last year, but her grandmother passed away in December, and it would have been inappropriate and awkward for her and her family for me to have been there. Thankfully, I was able to oblige her request and flew to Wuhan. From there, I took a 4 hour train ride to her hometown. It was snowing upon arrival, and pretty much the coldest I've ever been. (Florida girl doesn't do so well with freezing temps...I like my flip flops and shorts!) To top it off, they don't have centralized heating or A.C. They prefer to use something called a "kong tiao"--kinda like a wall unit. Only, they don't exactly use them often...because that's expensive and wasting energy. So, my fingers never got past being numb!

I arrived on a Saturday night and we ate hot pot, which is just like it sounds. It's a pot in the center of the table that is cooking, and you throw in meat first (usually) and then the veggies. Everyone just grabs what they want out of it, and eats it from their bowl. For some of you, this would take some getting used to. It's like double-dipping...non-stop. However, that's pretty much every meal here. I have come to appreciate chopsticks, or "kuai zi" for what they are...they actually make more sense to me now than forks do. They balance really nicely on your bowl when you're not using them, and you can't stab yourself with them. You very gracefully pick up food (or scoop) and place it in your mouth. I decided that I like them a lot.

.....

The next morning, Midea and I awoke to her mom giving us gifts in bed (Christmas all over again?). Inside a bracelet box was a beautifully woven red string with three gold beads...real gold. This thing fits my wrist perfectly. They had it custom made (not sure how they made it to fit me so well, but they did. Now, I'm unable to get it off...but that's ok, I like it!). I was a bit shocked that they also bought me a gift. I immediately felt like part of the family.

Pretty much for the next 3 days, all we did was eat, sit around, talk, play games, or watch t.v. It was too cold to go out walking around or shopping. On Wednesday, after the affairs of eating at so-and-so's house or "my dad's father's younger brother...who is actually younger than my father but we go to his house last because he's got the biggest honor"...stuff I don't quite understand, we went shopping for a few hours at a mall.

I was kinda craving some coffee. I'd had a bit of a withdraw and there was either KFC or McDonald's that would have some. I know, not that great, but...I went for Mickey D's. I thought for once, this would be my opportunity to treat them and a small gesture of "thanks for the week here", but NOOOO....I got my coffee, and they all ordered what they felt they could drink (they don't like coffee, tea or soda), so they ended up with this drink (that I'm pretty sure is just for China's Mickey D's) that was some sort of strawberry milk-ish stuff. Looked kinda gross...and when I tasted it, I made a face. Too sweet! How were they drinking it, I don't know! They also ordered some pies (not apple pies)...pineapple and taro. They were both gross. They got two of both. Total, it was over 50 kuai, and they wouldn't let me pay. I enjoyed my coffee, they paid...and they forced themselves to finish everything. I felt super selfish and silly. We all left saying, "不好吃," which means not good eat- literally.

I enjoyed the time I spent living in the house with Midea. Just to give you a taste of how most Chinese live, and how they treat a foreigner in their house, I'll try to share a bit more. I went with the flow and did what they did, when they did it. I packed accordingly. Knowing that Chinese will wear the same outer clothing for days, until showering the next time, I packed only 3 outfits for 6 days. I also brought my own towel, because they only use what we would call a hand towel to dry off with after a shower. (In case you're wondering, mom, I only took 2 showers...talk about greasy hair!) Every morning, I would wake up and pour hot water into a basin that was in the sink and wash my face and brush my teeth. You can't imagine how cold my fingers were when I didn't use hot water (which I did, because it was too much trouble and got my clothes much more wet if I used the basin instead of the faucet with ice cold water). Then her dad would call us to eat--about ...on average 5 times before she'd show up. I probably came at about the 3rd time, not wanting to be too eager to eat (thus making them think I was super hungry and placing food in my bowl for me to eat more), and not wanting to be disobedient. The meal that followed, was usually followed by me tuning out, due to the fact that their mandarin wasn't standard and I didn't understand most of it. Occasionally, I could tell they were talking about me or to me, and I'd kind of look at Midea to translate or say it more clearly in standard mandarin. Then, I'd respond the best I could. This is how most of our conversations went. Oh, I forgot to mention the eyes that would open wide and the decibels that got ...eh...much louder upon trying to communicate with me. Typical, I suppose. My response, always being a quiet one (also typical). Upon finishing the meal, I was not allowed to touch a thing. Not even stack dishes or wipe the table. If I did, her mom would yell at me, point to her hands and say, "You'll get your hands dirty. Look at my hands. You don't get your hands dirty." If I followed her into the kitchen, to bring back hot pads, dirty dishes or napkins to throw away, I was watched and then shooed out. Let's just say, I've learned a lot from China about being hospitable. The most important thing is that you're comfortable and that your tummy is full. So all day, I heard "吃吃吃" (eat, eat, eat). Also, as for the "kong tiao"--or wall unit for heat, we would turn it on before we went to bed, and then once under the covers, we'd turn it off. During breakfast, all windows were opened (remember, there's snow on the ground outside!)...and I was thinking to myself, "why are we torturing ourselves and wearing every article of clothing we possibly could?"

One tradition of Chinese New Year, is eating fish. We ate lots of fish--it is the "good luck" food. Kim made a good point a week ago about it. She said, "Why do they eat fish for good luck? It is the most unlucky food ever! So many bones to spit back out!" So true. I relayed this to Midea, and she didn't have much to say to it. Didn't even laugh. eh. oh well. I tried!

Another tradition is that the adults give the children a red envelope, called a "hong bao." Inside the envelope they put money. It's called "ya sui qian"- which means push the age away money. I guess the more you get, the younger you'll be, or the younger you'll stay? I knew about this tradition, but after receiving the pretty, expensive bracelet earlier in the week, and based on the fact that Midea and I aren't children, I didn't think about not getting one. The night before I left, her mother placed one in my lap, and I didn't know what to do. Should I accept it? I don't want their money. I'm not their daughter! Sweet gesture, but they've already let me stay with them and fed me and entertained me...why money too? It's not a part of our culture. Usually if you stay with someone, you give them gifts, right? Why were they showering me with gifts? This, I have learned, is also a huge part of Chinese culture. No matter how uncomfortable I am receiving gifts like that or how I may try to skirt around those types of occurrences, it never ceases to catch me off guard, and feeling quite awkward.

Upon returning to Kunming last night, I felt a sudden feeling of "I'm home!" I felt this while at FSU as well. I loved returning home from travels, and I still do. I marveled however that this could actually feel like home to me now. After making many trips in and out of the tiny Kunming airport, I realized that I felt comfortable here. I knew where to walk outside of the airport so I didn't have to wait for a taxi. I knew where I was and there was even an English song playing on the radio. I had a conversation with the taxi driver all the way home, and helped him figure out how to go out to the main road, once he left through the back gate of my neighborhood. I saw the stars in the sky as I rolled my suitcase along the pebbled walk and breathed in the fresh, cool air. The mixture of bamboo trees and palms and beautiful gardens surrounded me, and I thought to myself, "It feels so good to be home"....

All day today, as I did laundry and read a book from my kindle, with windows open and warm perfectly blue skies, I wondered how this could feel like home, but how Delray also feels like home. The novel I am reading, makes me yearn for a life of "normalcy" but my life here is anything but that. This is the life I wanted after graduating from FSU. I wanted adventure. I wanted the unknown. I didn't want to feel safe or secure. I wanted life on the edge, and wanted to experience newness. Well, I've done that. And while I was out with Jenny and Shen Kai tonight having seafood hot pot, I realized that my mixture of emotions and feelings about leaving, and about this being home was confusing me. I think God is preparing me to come home. I'm in love with Kunming. It's been 2 and a half years here, and it is home. But, I'm excited about the next new adventure. The one that I'm not sure what is next. What job will I have? Where will I live? What car will I get? Will I move? Will I stay in Delray? How long will I be in the States? Is it forever? Is it only a period? I've decided not to worry. I'm not going to plan my future. I can't. I'm just going to keep going...thinking about the day in front of me, and perhaps the year. But, I can't plan anything forever. Forever scares me. I don't want to feel tied down or trapped yet. I might make decisions based upon that in the near future, but I'm just me and I suppose I'll deal with the "consequences" of those decisions. (Although, I have to say, I think that living like that is better than planning my life out til I'm in the grave...makes it more exciting...and it makes it feel like I can change the ending of the story or give it another twist at any moment).

So, phew. After my long-windedness, I'll conclude with this: this year is the year of the Dragon. Last year, was Rabbit year, my year. This year is the year of the Dragon and I'm feeling super confident that just like the dragon is perceived here in China (a good thing that chases away the lion--maybe fear in a figurative sense), this year will be a year change, full of risks and challenges, passion and enthusiasm and ambition.