How do I put into words what I feel?
Sad. Confused. Excited about the possibilites. Open for new opportunities. Exhausted. I want home now. Tired of making mistakes. Lonely. Struggling with the rest of 'em. I'm not alone. He is with me. He is the bread of life. I get to share that. How amazing! Missing family. Missing friends. Missing home. Missing Christmas at home. Love teaching. Love the community here. Hard to get established. ...all at the same time. Love China. Love the people. Like the culture. Still adjusting to the food. Can't wait to see Midea. Can't wait to see Bo. Get to go to dinner with pondering Angelina tomorrow night. Had a feast last night. It was awkward. Chinese guy is interested. I'm not. What do I do? Still making mistakes culturally. I don't understand how though. I'm going to have to learn quick. This can't be happening. Ready for a break. In need of refreshment. Been probed by the "Juicy Fruit" lately (thanks Kirst for the ""). Words hurt. Words heal. He heals. Broken heart in need of mending. Every day is a new day. Mercy is new every morning. The sun will come out tomorrow! I have to say no to things. I haven't had a free night for two weeks. Exhausted. Did I say that already? Where do I fit in here? I want more. Father, I want more. Do I need less though? Do I need more? I want what I need. It's almost 2010! I'm teaching 2nd grade next year!! So much to do. What am I doing this summer? I miss Jamie. I want to talk with her. It's so hard to find time. My heart aches when I think about Jamie. Not for her. For me. For what I've done. I'm sorry. I feel like I've abandoned you. I love you. I have a limited time on earth. Am I wasting the opportunities that He gives me? Please don't waste them, Jessica! Know truth. Proclaim truth. Live by truth. It sets you free! I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from you, Maker of Heaven and Earth! Thank you.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
No Beating Around the Bush (Oswald)
The thing of which we have to beware is not so much damage to our belief in Gd as damage to our ChrstN temper. “Therefore take heed to thy spirit,that ye deal not treacherously.” The temper of mind is tremendous in its effects, it is the enemy that penetrates right into the soul and distracts the mind from Gd. There are certain tempers of mind in which we never dare indulge; if we do, we find they have distracted us from faith in Gd, and until we get back to the quiet mood before Gd, our faith in Him is nil, and our confidence in the flesh and in human ingenuity is the thing that rules.
That’s a scary place to be in. I know that I have indulged my mind in many things that deter my thoughts from being pure. Mediums such as movies, some music, even books I read from time to time…things like shopping, and materialism. Gosh! The enemy really is trying to attack us from all sides…and the main way that he can is through our mind. I guess that’s why the Father knew what he was saying when He told us to guard our minds.
Beware of “the cares of this world,” because they are the things that produce a wrong temper of soul. It is extraordinary what an enormous power there is in simple things to distract our attention from Gd. Refuse to be swamped with the cares of this life.
Another thing that distracts us is the lust of vindication. St. Augustine pryd—“O Ld, deliver me from this lust of always vindicating myself.” That temper of mind destroys the soul’s faith in Gd. “I must explain myself; I must get people to understand.” Our Ld never explained anything; He left mistakes to correct themselves.
Another good point, Oswald. I can’t tell you how often I’m tempted to vindicate and explain myself to others for my actions or thoughts. I try to justify it. Although they may accept the justification, He does not! It’s His standard only. I should be living above reproach, in such a way that I should never have to even think about vindicating myself.
When we discern that people are not going on spiritually and allow the discernment to turn to criticism, we block our way to Gd. Gd never gives us discernment in order that we may criticize, but that we may intercede.
Whew! Good point. I think too much in our churches we do this. I’m guilty of not interceding and judging instead. If we really loved others as we loved ourselves, and if we really cared about their souls, people truly loving the Lrd with all their heart, soul, mind and strength, we would intercede.
Hope you can chew on this today. It’s been in my mouth for a few days now. It’s like I can’t get the corn out from between my teeth. Chew on it and brush!
Ps 123:3
Have mercy upon us, O Ld , have mercy upon us: for we are exceedingly filled with contempt.
That’s a scary place to be in. I know that I have indulged my mind in many things that deter my thoughts from being pure. Mediums such as movies, some music, even books I read from time to time…things like shopping, and materialism. Gosh! The enemy really is trying to attack us from all sides…and the main way that he can is through our mind. I guess that’s why the Father knew what he was saying when He told us to guard our minds.
Beware of “the cares of this world,” because they are the things that produce a wrong temper of soul. It is extraordinary what an enormous power there is in simple things to distract our attention from Gd. Refuse to be swamped with the cares of this life.
Another thing that distracts us is the lust of vindication. St. Augustine pryd—“O Ld, deliver me from this lust of always vindicating myself.” That temper of mind destroys the soul’s faith in Gd. “I must explain myself; I must get people to understand.” Our Ld never explained anything; He left mistakes to correct themselves.
Another good point, Oswald. I can’t tell you how often I’m tempted to vindicate and explain myself to others for my actions or thoughts. I try to justify it. Although they may accept the justification, He does not! It’s His standard only. I should be living above reproach, in such a way that I should never have to even think about vindicating myself.
When we discern that people are not going on spiritually and allow the discernment to turn to criticism, we block our way to Gd. Gd never gives us discernment in order that we may criticize, but that we may intercede.
Whew! Good point. I think too much in our churches we do this. I’m guilty of not interceding and judging instead. If we really loved others as we loved ourselves, and if we really cared about their souls, people truly loving the Lrd with all their heart, soul, mind and strength, we would intercede.
Hope you can chew on this today. It’s been in my mouth for a few days now. It’s like I can’t get the corn out from between my teeth. Chew on it and brush!
Ps 123:3
Have mercy upon us, O Ld , have mercy upon us: for we are exceedingly filled with contempt.
Conversations
Recently, I’ve had some interesting conversations with people. I’m learning more about the world around me…the world I live in but don’t even really know. Hopefully you’ll learn a little more so that you can be lifting these things up.
One of them is that every hotel in China has a floor designated for business men…so that their so-called “needs” are met. Can you imagine how many families are affected by this? How many women with children? How much of a temptation it is for the men that want to keep their marriage healthy? Not to mention how many women this affects…how many of them feel worthless, helpless, used and abandoned. Wow! It made my stomach turn too!
Another one is that many countries all over the world are now beginning to buy gold because they cannot rely on the USD. Why? Well, let’s just say our president is printing too much green right now, which is making the worth of the dollar go down. I’m sure the result will be that in a few years we’ll be in an even deeper depression. That’s a little scary to think about. Lift up our financial advisors!
One of them is that every hotel in China has a floor designated for business men…so that their so-called “needs” are met. Can you imagine how many families are affected by this? How many women with children? How much of a temptation it is for the men that want to keep their marriage healthy? Not to mention how many women this affects…how many of them feel worthless, helpless, used and abandoned. Wow! It made my stomach turn too!
Another one is that many countries all over the world are now beginning to buy gold because they cannot rely on the USD. Why? Well, let’s just say our president is printing too much green right now, which is making the worth of the dollar go down. I’m sure the result will be that in a few years we’ll be in an even deeper depression. That’s a little scary to think about. Lift up our financial advisors!
Grace Sandwich- 11/25/09
It all started in CLS (content language support). I was having my second grade students make Thank You notes to someone. I decided to make one with them. I had one student absent, so I was able to sit down with the students at their desks and work along-side them. As I was decorating my card, I was trying to think of who I could write it to. I decided on Grace Li. She is the first grade teacher’s assistant. She is a wonderful believer, who daily gives great hugs and good encouragement/ advice. I’m very thankful that the Father has brought us together and that we get to work together so closely.
I gave her my note at our Elementary staff meeting after school. Afterwards, she asked me if I would like to get some dinner. It was a little chilly, so I had kind of decided that I would just grab something and go home. I didn’t really want to be out in the weather. After her continual pursuit, I budged. I was excited to have been invited to go to her house to have dinner. She told me I could ride on the back of her moped (termed motor bikes here). I thought that would be kind of fun, but I was not really dressed for the cold. I told her that I’d catch a bus and be at her house between 6 and 6:30 pm. She told me to invite a friend so that I wouldn’t have to ride along. I liked that idea, so I asked my other friend/ roommate Grace. She also willingly came!
I would like to say that the food was really good. Pumpkin, broccoli, corn with ham, potatoes, crunchy sweet chips, and lots of pepper were on the menu. Oh and rice…the staple for all meals! It was delicious. We had a great time of fellowship, talking about life. However, it was quite an adventure traveling!
We left school around 5:30. I stopped by the convenience store on the way out of the Xiao Qu (neighborhood) to return the electric blanket that did not work. Then, Grace and I made the journey out to Guang Fu Lu (the main street on the south side of town that we live on…it’s the one our Xiao Qu is off of). As we were waiting to cross the street to get to the bus stop, we see the 181 pull away. BOO! These buses are few and far between. We sat and talked for about 30 minutes. I got a call from Grace Li, asking where we were. It was already 6, and she was expecting us any minute. We were still a good 30 minute ride from her. We decided to wait it out and sat expectantly at the bus stop. As the next 181 finally pulls up (after waiting about 45 minutes), it is jam packed and people are pushed up against the doors. There were also about 10-15 people at the bus stop that wanted to make it on the bus. We both quit (sorry, for all of you that wanted to hear that we pushed and shoved) and caught a cab.
I got in first and told him our destination: Chun Yuan Xiao Qu… (that is, Chun Yuan neighborhood). I said it with the right tones and everything. He didn’t understand though and said, “shen me?” which means “what?” I repeated myself. Then he repeated me. I said, “dui,” or correct. Grace and I are finally on our way…at this point it’s about 6:15. I call Grace and tell her we’re in a cab. She was fine with that, but didn’t want to start making food and have it be cold, so she asked me to call when we got close. I agreed. Well…our little adventure does not end there!
The cab driver turns his radio up, and when I realize that we’ve missed our turn, I politely say, “Ni hao” (hello) to get his attention. He can’t hear me, so I say, “dui bu qi” (excuse me)….then I start banging on the window separating us. He is still driving…farther and farther away from our destination. Grace and I start thinking he’s doing it on purpose. We start calling people that we can have talk to him. After calling four people Curt answers and talks to the cab driver. He tells him the correct destination, and the cab driver responds with, “eh! Chun Yuan Xiao Qu? Ohh ohh! Zai Jian.” Then he starts murmuring to himself as we turn around. Grace looks at me and says, “You said it just like that!” WHATEVER!
35 kuai later, we arrive. (It should have been about half that…). Only, we arrive in a part of the Xiao Qu that I am unfamiliar with. I’m not sure which way to walk. All the buildings look the same. OH GEEZE! …oh and it’s getting colder. AWESOME! Grace and I walked to what looked like a gate to a main street, and we recognized the street. It’s the one the 181 would have dropped us off at. And…just to add to our comical outing, a 181 passes by, a little less crowded. I figure out where we need to walk to, and we arrive hungry and ready to eat.
Like I said, the food was great, the fellowship was much needed. We left Grace’s apartment at 9:15 and arrived at the 181 bus stop at 9:20. The sign says the last bus came at 21:00. GRR.. So I have this great idea of walking around the corner to catch the 120 that will also take us home. So we walk down the street and around the corner, passing dogs (hungry ones), and many people…lots of markets, police standing at the corner, bikes, cars, buses… We get to the stop and the 120 doesn’t go to that one. Then I realize that it doesn’t come this far up the street, so we decide to walk down further so we can catch it. We walked and walked at a nice brisk pace. We were stopped at one stop light, and we hear this growl/ low shout. We scream and look over, and it’s our other roommate Tonya. She had been at English Corner with another teacher and was riding on her bike. It freaked both of us out though. We were already a bit skittish…from all the hungry dogs and men in black jackets.
Grace and I trekked down Xi Yuan Lu (Xi Yuan Street) and passed one of the turns we could have made to go home. I told her that it should be the next stop. About the time when we begin to see the next big road (Dian Chi Lu), I realize that we’re one block South of the street that the 120 runs along! We had been walking for about 40 minutes. We finally caught up with the 120 route at 10:03. The sign says that the last bus comes at 22:00. We’re thinking that it has not come yet (and hoping, so that we don’t have to have another eventful taxi ride…not like we hadn’t already had enough). There were still about 10-15 people at the bus stop waiting, and buses were still running. Our rest time at the bus stop was quick. We took the last bus of the night home. All I have to say is, “WHAT A NIGHT!” Oh and, “man, it was so convenient to just get in the car and go!” Be thankful for that today.
I gave her my note at our Elementary staff meeting after school. Afterwards, she asked me if I would like to get some dinner. It was a little chilly, so I had kind of decided that I would just grab something and go home. I didn’t really want to be out in the weather. After her continual pursuit, I budged. I was excited to have been invited to go to her house to have dinner. She told me I could ride on the back of her moped (termed motor bikes here). I thought that would be kind of fun, but I was not really dressed for the cold. I told her that I’d catch a bus and be at her house between 6 and 6:30 pm. She told me to invite a friend so that I wouldn’t have to ride along. I liked that idea, so I asked my other friend/ roommate Grace. She also willingly came!
I would like to say that the food was really good. Pumpkin, broccoli, corn with ham, potatoes, crunchy sweet chips, and lots of pepper were on the menu. Oh and rice…the staple for all meals! It was delicious. We had a great time of fellowship, talking about life. However, it was quite an adventure traveling!
We left school around 5:30. I stopped by the convenience store on the way out of the Xiao Qu (neighborhood) to return the electric blanket that did not work. Then, Grace and I made the journey out to Guang Fu Lu (the main street on the south side of town that we live on…it’s the one our Xiao Qu is off of). As we were waiting to cross the street to get to the bus stop, we see the 181 pull away. BOO! These buses are few and far between. We sat and talked for about 30 minutes. I got a call from Grace Li, asking where we were. It was already 6, and she was expecting us any minute. We were still a good 30 minute ride from her. We decided to wait it out and sat expectantly at the bus stop. As the next 181 finally pulls up (after waiting about 45 minutes), it is jam packed and people are pushed up against the doors. There were also about 10-15 people at the bus stop that wanted to make it on the bus. We both quit (sorry, for all of you that wanted to hear that we pushed and shoved) and caught a cab.
I got in first and told him our destination: Chun Yuan Xiao Qu… (that is, Chun Yuan neighborhood). I said it with the right tones and everything. He didn’t understand though and said, “shen me?” which means “what?” I repeated myself. Then he repeated me. I said, “dui,” or correct. Grace and I are finally on our way…at this point it’s about 6:15. I call Grace and tell her we’re in a cab. She was fine with that, but didn’t want to start making food and have it be cold, so she asked me to call when we got close. I agreed. Well…our little adventure does not end there!
The cab driver turns his radio up, and when I realize that we’ve missed our turn, I politely say, “Ni hao” (hello) to get his attention. He can’t hear me, so I say, “dui bu qi” (excuse me)….then I start banging on the window separating us. He is still driving…farther and farther away from our destination. Grace and I start thinking he’s doing it on purpose. We start calling people that we can have talk to him. After calling four people Curt answers and talks to the cab driver. He tells him the correct destination, and the cab driver responds with, “eh! Chun Yuan Xiao Qu? Ohh ohh! Zai Jian.” Then he starts murmuring to himself as we turn around. Grace looks at me and says, “You said it just like that!” WHATEVER!
35 kuai later, we arrive. (It should have been about half that…). Only, we arrive in a part of the Xiao Qu that I am unfamiliar with. I’m not sure which way to walk. All the buildings look the same. OH GEEZE! …oh and it’s getting colder. AWESOME! Grace and I walked to what looked like a gate to a main street, and we recognized the street. It’s the one the 181 would have dropped us off at. And…just to add to our comical outing, a 181 passes by, a little less crowded. I figure out where we need to walk to, and we arrive hungry and ready to eat.
Like I said, the food was great, the fellowship was much needed. We left Grace’s apartment at 9:15 and arrived at the 181 bus stop at 9:20. The sign says the last bus came at 21:00. GRR.. So I have this great idea of walking around the corner to catch the 120 that will also take us home. So we walk down the street and around the corner, passing dogs (hungry ones), and many people…lots of markets, police standing at the corner, bikes, cars, buses… We get to the stop and the 120 doesn’t go to that one. Then I realize that it doesn’t come this far up the street, so we decide to walk down further so we can catch it. We walked and walked at a nice brisk pace. We were stopped at one stop light, and we hear this growl/ low shout. We scream and look over, and it’s our other roommate Tonya. She had been at English Corner with another teacher and was riding on her bike. It freaked both of us out though. We were already a bit skittish…from all the hungry dogs and men in black jackets.
Grace and I trekked down Xi Yuan Lu (Xi Yuan Street) and passed one of the turns we could have made to go home. I told her that it should be the next stop. About the time when we begin to see the next big road (Dian Chi Lu), I realize that we’re one block South of the street that the 120 runs along! We had been walking for about 40 minutes. We finally caught up with the 120 route at 10:03. The sign says that the last bus comes at 22:00. We’re thinking that it has not come yet (and hoping, so that we don’t have to have another eventful taxi ride…not like we hadn’t already had enough). There were still about 10-15 people at the bus stop waiting, and buses were still running. Our rest time at the bus stop was quick. We took the last bus of the night home. All I have to say is, “WHAT A NIGHT!” Oh and, “man, it was so convenient to just get in the car and go!” Be thankful for that today.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Tossing and Turning
I’ve had many interesting conversations lately. Some of which I feel like I’ve failed miserably at. I have no good words. That is just part of being human. As much as I try to sympathize with people, I feel like I’m only hurting them. Most likely I am.
How do you tell someone who is not a believer that just because they’re miserable living in America does not mean that when they return to China that everything will be amazing and just as it was? China has changed, friends are married, family members are now deceased and the city you loved has changed. How do you explain that it is all about being known and being loved by your Creator and intimately knowing Him as well?
How do you explain to another friend that simply cannot accept what you know to be true because He views it as Western thought and sees such hypocrisy among Americans? How do you differentiate between truth and mythology?
Why do some people hear and believe and others cannot? I know it explains it in the Book, but it just baffles me!
Father, I love people. I love these two…and the many others lately that I’ve talked to that I have no words for. How do I love? How do I show them you? I feel like a fool not knowing. But honestly, how many of us DON’T know? How many of us have given up? All those who have, say “I.” “I!”
He alone has answers. He alone knows true love. He alone knows life abundantly that we’re all searching for. How do we convey that to those who do not believe?
As a teacher, I have learned (and am still learning) how to ask questions that will make students think critically. I think for many people they don’t want to be told. They want to make the decision on their own. So maybe asking those really pointed and key questions is a good way. Let them wrestle with it and give them tools to do so. (?!)
Any ideas?…
How do you tell someone who is not a believer that just because they’re miserable living in America does not mean that when they return to China that everything will be amazing and just as it was? China has changed, friends are married, family members are now deceased and the city you loved has changed. How do you explain that it is all about being known and being loved by your Creator and intimately knowing Him as well?
How do you explain to another friend that simply cannot accept what you know to be true because He views it as Western thought and sees such hypocrisy among Americans? How do you differentiate between truth and mythology?
Why do some people hear and believe and others cannot? I know it explains it in the Book, but it just baffles me!
Father, I love people. I love these two…and the many others lately that I’ve talked to that I have no words for. How do I love? How do I show them you? I feel like a fool not knowing. But honestly, how many of us DON’T know? How many of us have given up? All those who have, say “I.” “I!”
He alone has answers. He alone knows true love. He alone knows life abundantly that we’re all searching for. How do we convey that to those who do not believe?
As a teacher, I have learned (and am still learning) how to ask questions that will make students think critically. I think for many people they don’t want to be told. They want to make the decision on their own. So maybe asking those really pointed and key questions is a good way. Let them wrestle with it and give them tools to do so. (?!)
Any ideas?…
Friday, November 20, 2009
Sharon..."like Rose of Sharon..?"
Many of you have heard the story that I told when I returned from China after my trip last summer. But for those of you that have not, I'll tell it again. I was leaving China and kind of discouraged because although I had taught English for a month, I was not directly able to share with anyone. I really wanted to, and I asked the Spirit to lead me during my last few hours in China. I met a girl on the plane. Her name was Sharon, "like rose of Sharon." I asked her if she was a believer, because she introduced herself in such a way. She informed me that she was not, but that she had a Jewish professor/ friend that gave her that name. We talked the whole 3 hour plane ride. I introduced her to the Word. I gave her my copy. I showed her how to use it. I pointed out where her name was. We talked about relationships between men and women and I pointed out Ephesians 5. We discussed the comparison there in that passage between Men and the Son, and Men and Women. We exchanged e-mails and parted ways. I felt good about our conversation, and was reminded that I need to be asking for Him to do bigger things. I need to want to be a part of bigger things that He can do through me if I put myself aside and listen to His leading.
I haven't heard from her since last August. This week, I got an e-mail from her. After being a little discouraged at work, it brought a huge smile to my face. I am on QQ now (which is like AIM in China) and we will have many more conversations. I'm amazed at how all we have to do is listen and obey...and He'll do the rest. All I wanted to do on the plane ride was sleep. Instead, I opened my mouth and said, "hello." I thought that after our last e-mail that I may never hear from her again, but lo and behold, I did! I wonder why she contacted me again. ...I guess I'll find out. ...more to come soon!
I haven't heard from her since last August. This week, I got an e-mail from her. After being a little discouraged at work, it brought a huge smile to my face. I am on QQ now (which is like AIM in China) and we will have many more conversations. I'm amazed at how all we have to do is listen and obey...and He'll do the rest. All I wanted to do on the plane ride was sleep. Instead, I opened my mouth and said, "hello." I thought that after our last e-mail that I may never hear from her again, but lo and behold, I did! I wonder why she contacted me again. ...I guess I'll find out. ...more to come soon!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
...thoughts about work...
Am I doing all I can? Why doesn't it seem to be working? Am I really helping? These are questions I'm sure most people make during their lifetime. I was faced with them today. Sure, I'm constantly trying to do something different that might be more effective. However, when I think of my students and I begin to cry...hm. I feel like I'm failing them. There isn't enough time. I don't have them for long enough. They're forgotten about by the classroom teacher. The students say things like, "he doesn't understand." The child just sits there...gazing into my eyes, then looking away shamefully. He licks his lips and looks down again.
What do I do? Cry and Pray. Pray and try something else. Talk with the other children. Pray that this child will know that he is so smart. He is worth it. He is...
Oh Father, use me. Shape me and mold me. Love the kids through me. Teach them what they need to know. Most importantly, may they see You.
What do I do? Cry and Pray. Pray and try something else. Talk with the other children. Pray that this child will know that he is so smart. He is worth it. He is...
Oh Father, use me. Shape me and mold me. Love the kids through me. Teach them what they need to know. Most importantly, may they see You.
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